We have a date

After a little begging and of course a few tears, I got an earlier date for my surgery!!!! Next Tuesday, January 6 is the day. I will be having a hysteroscopy- it is a pretty routine outpatient surgery and I should only miss two days of work. My fertility specialist will be the one performing the surgery- the same one that did my laparoscopy last year so I am confident that he will be able to get in there and figure out what is going on and fix it. Once I have the surgery, I will be put on estrogen pills for 4 weeks to aid in the healing and then we should get the green light to start again. Thanks for all of your prayers regarding this situation. It has been a rough few days here for us with this news and a few other things we weren't quite expecting. But, we will carry on and not let this get us down. Thanks for all of the prayer pages as well- they definitely add a light in these dark days. A few people have asked for a reminder on the number, so here it is again- 616.772.0110.

Also, I have added my new theme song for your enjoyment. On our due date, I received a CD entitled Valley Songs- it was given to me by a friend who had lost her daughter a year before. I absolutely love the CD and my favorite song is number 5 - Beauty From Pain by the Superchicks. I have found myself saying the lyrics over and over the last few days almost as a prayer that I will find beauty from this pain someday. I hope you turn your mute off and listen- it really is a great song.

"Beauty From Pain"

The lights go out all around me

One last candle to keep out the night

And then the darkness surrounds me

I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over

My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made

I try to keep warm but i just grow colder

I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me

The best i can do is just get through the day

When life before is only a memory

I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though i can't understand why this happened

I know that i will when i look back someday

And see how you've brought beauty from ashes

And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me

Tryin to hold to what i can't seeI forgot how to hope

This night's been so long

I cling to Your promise

There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Quick update

I finally got a call back from the drs office and I won't be having the surgery this Wednesday because they are booked. Right now it looks like it will be January 14. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but it never is!!!

When it rains....

it pours... and floods our basement. Yes, even though it is December, our basement has once again flooded. We woke up yesterday to thunder and lightning and should have known to just stay in bed. Instead, I went to a dr appt at our fertility specialist. We were getting ready to start our first cycle of FSH injections since the girls were born. I went in for a 15 minute screening ultrasound and ended up spending 3 hours there and having a hysterosalpingogram done. Thet end result- I have a calcification in my uterus that needs to be removed right away. They are not sure what it is, it could be leftover from birth of the girls, it could be a conception that didn't last, it could be scar tissue. Whatever it is, it is preventing me from getting pregnant and now I have to go in for a hysteroscopy (a simple outpatient surgery) to get it removed. As you can imagine, this news was not what I wanted to hear and it really sent my hope into a quick downward spiral. All I wanted was for a quick appt that said I was ready to start again, yet here I sit waiting and wallowing in the why me again scenario. And, did I mention that our basement flooded again??????!!!! Luckily, we were prepared and had an action plan for when this happened again- we rolled up the carpet and let the water flow in. So, if you have a few extra prayers today, we could use some!

Please pray that the surgery would be able to be scheduled this Wednesday because I have this week off and wouldn't have to miss more work.

Please pray that Jason would be able to get the day off to go with me.

Please pray that our hope and fight for a baby will remain strong and not be affected by this news.

Please pray that the water stops flowing into the basement!

Phew......

it is over! We survived Christmas! I always say that the aniticipation leading up to an event is often worse than the event itself, but this day proved me wrong. I will not kid you, it was hard. We attended a Christmas Eve candelight service and the minute they turned those lights out and all of the candles were glowing and they started singing silent night, I was a mess! The morning went well, but I felt so empty. I kept opening presents thinking they would fill the emptiness I had in my heart, but that was silly- I was longing for something that no one can give me and the realization of that hit hard. We made sure to spend some time at the cemetery in between our two parties yesterday. It was so heartbreaking to be there. A cemetery is just not the place we thought we would be on Christmas. Once home after the family gatherings were over, I just calapsed. I was exhausted mentally and physicaly and I finally had some quiet time to reflect on everything and I was just plain sad. I do want to thank the few of you that prayed for us yesterday. We heard the pager go off a couple times and that sound was wonderful to hear. There is nothing quite like knowing someone is out there lifting you up when you are down. I know that the people that read this blog vary from friends, family members, new bloggy friends, church family, co-workers and more. I know that some of you are dealing with cancer, life altering illness, heartbreak, grief and like me, just plain old sadness. I hope that you all felt the prayers that I was showering over you yesterday and that you all woke up today feeling a little better.

I do have a prayer request for a bloggy friend of mine who is getting ready to deliver her baby boy Dylan James any day now. Dylan was diagnosed at 20 weeks as having Trisomy 18. It is most likely that he will pass away soon after birth. Nicole has been so strong in her faith through this whole experience. She has been an inspiration to many women and I just pray for her as she prepares for this day in her life- they day she says hello and goodbye to her precious baby boy.

Christmas Blessings

This month has been a roller coaster of ups and downs for me. I love everything about the Christmas season- I start playing the music in July, I start shopping in August and I can barely wait until Thanksgiving to put up my decorations. This year has been slightly different. The music, the decorations and the crowded malls just aren't fulfilling me this year.... something is missing. I should be dressing my girls up in their Christmas dresses and figuring out how to balance holiday festivities in between breast feeding two little girls. We should be packing up the car with strollers and diaper bags and celebrating all of our blessings with our families. Unfortunately, those blessings have changed since July. Instead of being blessed with beautiful baby girls in our arms, we are blessed with beautiful reminders of our babies short lives. Here is a sample of the fabulous gifts we have been given to remember Brooke and Alexcyn this Christmas.

The grandmas made two miniture princess trees in memory of the girls- they are so cute!

This was a gift from Jason's brother and his wife. You can imagine the tears that flowed when we opened this last night!

There are so many of us out there that are suffering a loss. Not just a loss of a life, but loss of hope, dreams and plans for the future. I know many people that are currently suffering from illness, heartbreak and grief. Christmas will not be the same for them this year. Please say a prayer for everyone you know that is celebrating Christmas a little differently than they thought they would. My prayer is that everyone that is suffering will have a peace surround them tomorrow and that we will all find a renewed hope in celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. Merry Christmas to all of you!!

"For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord" Luke 2:11

42 Days!!!

Today we woke up to this.....

IN

42 Days
1029 Hours
61757 Minutes
3705442 Seconds

We will wake up to this.....

We wanted to get away in November, but it didn't work well with our work schedules. I wanted to escape for the holidays but Jason wanted nothing to do with that, so we are now going to celebrate our 5 year anniversary in......... Acapulco!!!!! We have been waiting for a last minute deal and finally found one! Yeah, something to look forward to in 2009!!!!!!

Christmas Cards

I have never been one to send out photo cards at Christmas, but I love to get them. People always have the cutest pictures of their kids on them or the great travels that they went on that year and I always thought we might look pathetic by taking a picture of the two of us with our cat. In 2007, after receiving a number of photo cards from couples (and a few with their cats!) I decided 2008 was the year of the photo card for me. Of course, once I found out I was expecting twins in November, I threw out the whole thought of doing a Christmas card and had designed a birth announcement that would take its place. So, come October when I started thinking about Christmas cards (I know I am a freak about starting early!!), I wondered how I could possibly design a card that summed up our year in a positive way. So, for all of you who did not get the card in the mail, here it is........ hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Sorry it didn't come out as clear as I had hoped! The bottom part says... Wherever you go, Whatever you do, May angels watch over you.

My new office!

I thought it was time I post something a little more uplifting, so here are pics of my new office! I work in a small non-profit that until Friday was run out of 1 room in a church building. We were able to use other rooms during the day, but ultimately, we ran a staff of 5 employees and 30+ volunteers out of one room. There were no cubes or little walls seperating us, so needless to say it got to be very hectic in there at times!!!! Here is a picture after we moved out all of the desks...

Now, here is my new desk in my own office with my own walls and my own door!!! I love how homey and warm it feels in there. Although, I did get yelled at today by our volunteer optometrist because I am using lambs and not the flourscent lights and that is bad for my eyes.... little does he know that I already ruin my eyes by not wearing my glasses anyways!

Isn't it fabulous!!!!!!!!!

Tip of the Day

Last night we went to a Christmas party for the neighborhood that we own a lot in. We didn't know anyone there and were excited to get to know our new neighbors. Unfortunately, when you are surrounded by people that you don't know, you are inevitably going to be asked the eternal question, "Do you have any kids?" Now, I don't know about your neck of the woods, but where we live, it is pretty much expected that you get married and reproduce- so this is the first question people ask you. I remember dreading this question when we were trying to get pregnant because people expect you to have a family and they look at you strange when you tell them that you are 30 and no children . You get a number of responses from, "oh, I am sure you will have kids soon" to "it is nice to wait until you are ready" to "good for you for not rushing into a family." It always amazes me to hear the responses because not only do they assume that I want children, but they assume that all I have to do is make a decision that we are ready and poof, a pregnant belly will appear!


Problem is that now, we technically do have children; they are just in heaven. So, how the heck are you supposed to answer that question???? You don't want to embarrass the person who asked by saying, "yes we had children but they passed away this summer." That would make an uncomfortable moment for everyone! But, Brooke and Alexcyn are a large part of our lives and I feel horrible dismissing them by saying "no, we don't have any children." So, my tip of the day is when you meet someone new, don't immediately ask them if they have children. Most likely, if they do have children, they will come up in conversation and then it will be ok to discuss their family further. There are currently 2.1 million couples that are suffering from infertily and for every 1000 people, there are 6.8 babies that die as infants. That means that you will most likely encounter an infertile couple or a couple who has lost a child at a Christmas party this season. I ask you to please consider this tip when meeting new people- you could really make a positive impact on their night if you just avoid that question!

Also, I wanted to mention a prayer request for someone from my church who has been an inspiration to me of how to lean on God and trust Him in difficult times. Her name is Kristi and I am not good with all the details, but she has cancer and was in remission and just recently she found out that the cancer is possibly back. She goes in for another appt on Dec 17 to find out if she must begin a more aggressive chemo again. As I read her blog this morning, I couldn't help but cry because I am exactly where she is... feeling down and struggling with so many questions. Here is an excerpt from her blog- you can click on her name above to go to her blog. If you have a lot of time on your hands, I would highly recommend it- she has been such an inspiration to me and has really shined a light in all of our lives.

Have you ever been so down you didn't know how you would get back up? How about put on a smile when all you wanted to do was cry? Told someone you were fine when really you weren't? Wondered if God really cared? Lost hope? Been surrounded by people and yet felt completely alone? If you have, you're not alone. I've just described the past couple days of my life.


Please keep Kristi and her family in your prayers this week.

I'm here...

I can't believe it has been over a week since I posted! Last week I just wasn't up to writing anything. By the end of the week I had heard 6 pregnancy annoncements and I was feeling very down. I was angry at my situation, angry at my body and angry at God. I am less angry now, but have resigned to the fact that no matter what I do, this month is going to be hard. There are so many plans that I had for December- cutting down a tree, buying matching Christmas dresses, and celebrating all of our joys and blessings with our families. Now, I am left wondering what I have to celebrate and how exactly I am going to survive those family gatherings.

I am so thankful to have such wonderful family and friends who are here to pray for me and over me when I am just not feeling like doing it myself. After a tough couple of days, my co-workers actually prayed over me last week which was a wonderful and humbling experience. So, I wanted to quick check in and say I am still here and thank you so much for all of your kind words of encouragement.

Soap Operas

Back in the day, I was a soap opera junkie. I would tape General Hospital and Days of our Lives and watch them everyday. I subscribed to the magazines, I had pictures of the actors all over my walls, I even kept tapes of my favorite episodes- I was totally obsessed! Thankfully, I have moved on from that phase in my life. I still do catch a show every once in a while and it amazes me that the same characters are still on and they are dealing with the same issues that they were 10 years ago. Last night, I sat back and pondered my life and everything that has happened over the last few years and I felt like I was living in my own soap opera. I am guessing you all have watched one at some point in your lives and I am sure you all have experienced the Friday cliffhanger. Something dramatic and tragic always happens on a Friday because they want to keep your interest over the weekend. The problem will then be resolved on Monday and then a new one arises just in time for the next Friday. Well, right now I feel like I am stuck in a Friday cliffhanger that just can't quite make it to the Monday resolution. I feel like I have had these tragic things happen in my life and everything in my life has stopped moving forward yet everyone else's lives have moved on to Monday.

It is no secret that we want a baby more than anything in life. We were hoping for a miracle baby that could be conceived on its own. After a few months of trying, I have decided that I need to be realistic- it is just not going to happen that way for us. So, here we are stuck in our Friday cliffhanger trying to get pregnant again and just not knowing if we will ever get to that Monday where we find out our prayers have been answered. We are back to taking temperatures and ovulation tests, back to schedules and appointments. We are moving backward while everyone else is moving forward. And the pain is intensified this time because we have felt what it is like to be parents and we long to have that feeling again.

This week has been difficult for me because I have had a couple friends tell me they were pregnant. The announcements came in the most gentle way and with so much respect for my feelings, but they still bring tears to my eyes and my heart. Tears for the baby I never got to know, tears for the babies I held in my arms yet have no more, tears for all of the temperatures I have to take, tears for the ovulation tests, appointments and blood work that I have to go through to get pregnant.... So, as you can probably tell, I am having another pity party for myself. I am frustrated and angry that I have to go through all of this crap while others seem to just get pregnant. Not saying that they are not deserving of children, but when is it my turn?? When do we just get pregnant? When do we get to announce that we are pregnant?

So, here I am again asking for prayers- I feel like that is all I ever do anymore! At this moment, I am in conversation with God about all of these emotions, but feel like my anger is preventing me from praying. Please say a prayer today that I can get past this saddness and have my hope restored. Please also say a prayer of thanks for my wonderful friends who thought of me and my feelings when announcing their exciting news- I feel so blessed to be surrounded by people that care so much.

Write their names in the sand...

I found this wonderful website through another blog that I follow. The family is from Australia and after the loss of their son, they started writing names of babies that have passed away in the sand for others that have also lost babies. These pictures are beautiful and this is such an amazing gift that this family gives to bless the lives of others. I was so excited when I saw that Brooke and Alexcyn's names were on there today.

You can check out the blog if you click here.

This is exactly what I needed this week of Thanksgiving; this week that we are supposed to find everything we are thankful for. In the midst of all our saddness, we do realize that we are still very blessed and have a lot to be thankful for in our lives. Most of all, we think of how different our experience would have been had we not had 3 days with Alexcyn. They weren't all peaceful joy filled days, but we had 3 whole days with our daughter while she was alive- that is a gift that we are so thankful for this year. To say thanks to the hospital for all they did before and after the girls were born, I made these baskets that Jason is dropping off today. I made one for the NUCU unit that has blankets made by Diane and sweet treats made by Grandma Anne, Grandma Sue and "Grandma" Betty (not an official grandma in our family, but she is a close friend who would have loved the girls like they were her own grandchildren so she gets the title as well!).

I also made a basket for the girls on the long term maternity floor. There took such good care of us and our families the few days that we were there. They went out of their way to make sure we had the personal space we needed when times were tough and they even found a room for us to sleep in when we were discharged.

I didn't take a pciture of the last basket, but it is going to Denice the nurse from labor and delivery that took care of us the night the girls were born. She was amazing and I thought she deserved some treats as well!


So, I know that some people wonder how they can be thankful this Thanksgiving when they have lost an infant, they have lost a job, they have lost a family member or friend.... I encourage you all to take a deep look at your lives and all that has happened in the last year- I can gaurantee there is something that happened that you are thankful for. Even if it is just a smile on your childs face, a roof over your head, a meal on your table or the love you get from the family pet. And, I also encourage you to let others know that you are thankful for them because what a great feeling it is to know that you make a positive impact in anothers life!

I'm Back!!

Sorry for not posting much the last week. I was a busy bee getting ready for my big fundraising event at work and I can finally say that it is over- woo hoo! I spent almost every day (even Sunday) getting ready for the open house on Saturday and then the auction on Monday. Everything went so well and I am hopeful we raised a lot of money for our clinic!

Jason and his co-workers decorated this Seas'n Greetings tree- it was a top seller! Sure am glad I recommended the theme!!

I loved this tree!

This is the tree that Jason won- it is called Endless Summer and had 20 1$ coins on it!! Not quite sure where we are going to put it yet!

With the Festival keeping my mind busy, I have not had a lot of time to think about the upcoming holiday. There were a few moments on Saturday that I found my mind drifting to thoughts of how I shouldn't even be at the Festival this year- I should be home with my babies. And of course, I ran into some friends, volunteers and acquaintances that I have not seen in person since this summer. They were all so kind, but sometimes it is difficult to get into the frame of mind to discuss what happened- especially when you are in the middle of a fundraising event that you are in charge of.

I am sure as things calm down for me today and I get a chance to catch my breath, the dread of the holiday will start looming over me. I am however keeping myself busy today preparing my basket for the hospital. I had a wonderful friend make blankets and then a few others have made sweet treats for the staff. I will add pics on here once they are done.

Snow

I woke up this morning to snow! I know I may be crazy, but I LOVE the first few snow falls of the season. There is something so beautiful about the big flakes as they fall through the sky and gently land on the trees. My commute is less than a minute, but I just loved driving through the snow covered streets this morning admiring the beauty of it all. Now, I do admit that once February rolls around, my love of snow has diminished greatly! But, this winter signifies a new season, a new beginning for us- not exactly the one we planned, but we will have to hope that this winter we can create new plans and dreams. I did start the process of decorating for Christmas this weekend. I do love the decorating and I figured if I worked my way into it slowly it might be slightly less painful- although I didn't really start making memories of garland in my head, so that was a lot easier to handle! Going to cut down the tree will be a totally different story.

The view from my window at work!

Thanks to my prayer warriors for the sending me love this weekend. It was definitely a rough one not only for me, but for a lot of my personal friends and my blogger friends who have lost infants. I ask that you remember all of us in your prayers. A good friend reminded me of the song Bring the Rain by Selah-

bring THEM joy, Bring THEM peace, bring THEM anything that brings YOU Glory.........

sadly enough there are a lot of us out there that are suffering through infant loss (I just read another one in the local paper today) I hope that we can all find Joy and Peace at this moment.

When...

Have you ever had a smell, a sound, a word, or a song that instantly triggers so many memories- good or bad? I have been in denial thinking that it has been 4 months and those triggers wouldn't affect me like they did in the beginning. I was really in denial this week when I thought getting past the dreaded due date would make everything better. A friend told me that instead of saying I would be 8 months pregnant, now I will just say the girls would be 1 week, 2 months, 1 year old..... So, my question is when does it get better??? When will I be able to hear or smell something that reminds me of the pregnancy, the birth and all that occured in those 5 months and not become an emotional basket case?? Don't get me wrong, I do have good days and they definitely outwiegh the bad. But every once in a while I still have really bad ones. I guess I thought at this point the bad days would be less intense. I am realizing that I am in total denial!

I do have to say that Monday came and went and I didn't have the breakdown I expected. I think that was because so many of you were praying for us and I really appreciate that! I have been thinking a lot about the holidays this year and how bittersweet they will be for us. We love seeing family and celebrating, but this year the celebrations will be different for us and that is hard for me to wrap my arms around. I also have a good friend whose father is in the hospital and they got the news the other day that his health is dwindling and he may not be able to pull out of it this time. And, we are starting to think about trying again and have gone back to see the specialist and all of the emotions involved with infertility have come rushing back. So, in the middle of my sad night last night I wondered how much a person can really deal with at one time? I know everyone says that God does not give you more than you can handle. I often held on to that when we were trying to get pregnant because there were times I thought I really couldn't keep going. Now I think of trying again with all of those fears, possibly dealing with the loss of a man that I grew up with and was like a father to me, while all the time remembering Brooke and Alexcyn. I keep sending the message to God that I think I am full now- I don't think I can handle anymore at this point-- I am not sure if He is listening!

So, sorry for this really random post. I know you all say you want me to be totally honest with how I am doing and today this is it! I will end with a quote from one of my fav shows e.r. Thursdays episode was especially emotional because it was about a child dying. The mother of the child said this quote to someone who said they didn't know what to say other than they were sorry for her loss. She replied, "When your parents are gone you're an orphan. A spouse dies you are a widow or widower but when you lose your baby... there are no words for that."

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayers, cards, emails, meals and gifts over the last few days. It was a tough weekend for us, but it was made easier knowing that you were lifting us up. We had a great time away and found that being someplace other than home helped the day to go a little easier.

I hope you all have your speakers on because I have added a few of my favorite Christmas tunes. If you know me well, you know that I am already listening to Christmas in July - it is my absolute favorite "season" of the year. This year will be a little different for us because there were so many things we had planned for our new family. But, that has not stopped me from enjoying the music of the season. Hope you enjoy my favorite selections as much as I do!

November 10

November 10 will always be a day of rememberance for us. This is the day that we are reminded of the 3 children that we lost. In 2007, we had an early miscarriage sometime between 6 and 8 weeks. That baby was due on November 10. When we got pregnant in 2008, I knew it was within days of the other baby. I was shocked when Dr Y said the due date was November 10. Jason and Dr Y joked about how we could only get pregnant one time of year. To this day, Jason still refers to me as a duck! On the ride home that day of our first ultrasound with the twins, Jason and I were obviously in shock that we were expecting twins, but just felt blessed. We felt that God wanted to "make up" for the baby we had lost the year before and blessed us with two.

We are headed up north to get away, so I will not be here on Monday. I wanted to post this video that I made in honor of the girls on their due date. It does have pictures of Brooke and as I have mentioned before, she was very bruised, but we thought she couldn't be more beautiful. I decided it was time I finally shared her pictures with all of you. I treasure every picture that I have of this experience- good or bad. And I have no idea what I would do if the nurses had not taken all of these for us. I hope you all enjoy this video in honor of Brooke and Alexcyn.

I had a lot of technical difficulties getting this video on here! It was as if someone did not want me to post this today! I did finally get it to go through on You Tube, but the sound was kind of crackly, so I apologize. You can also check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypBWlehk6_Q

Our dear Alexcyn...

Alexcyn,

You were our surprise miracle baby. At our 6 week ultrasound, we were so excited to hear a heartbeat. We thought the ultrasound was complete and then suddenly Dr Young said wait a minute there is another one..... It was you, Baby B- you were hiding a bit, but once we found you, we heard your heart beating strong and our hearts were full of love for you. Once I knew that you were a girl, I referred to you as Mary Ann, in keeping with the Gilligan's Island theme of course! For years, we kept your name a secret from everyone. It had a great story and I couldn't wait to tell it to you some day, I just wish it were under different circumstances. In April of 2004, your dad and I sat on the deck of one of our favorite restaurants. Unfortunately, this time our beautiful view of the river was blocked by a megayacht. We were commenting on what a strange name it had. After a while, we looked at each other almost at the same moment and said, "that would be a great name for a girl." I wrote the name on the reciept form that night and from that moment on, we knew our daughter would be named Alexcyn. I kept that reciept in my wallet and have yet to take it out.

The night you were born is such a blur to me. Brooke was born quickly but you didn't come right after her. The drs were hopeful there was a chance you would actually stay in there for a while. I remember them telling me that every moment you stayed in there was so critical to your survival. We spent some time with Brooke and then suddenly the contractions started again and they were coming quickly- you decided that you didn't want to be in there without your sister. When you were born, there was a differnt feeling in the room. The NICU drs were rushing around and your dad was over with you for a bit and then suddenly you were gone. You were a fighter and they rushed you to your new home in the Neonatal unit.

Your dad and I spent every minute of the next three days we could with you. I will never forget seeing you on that Saturday morning. I put my hand in the incubator and your little fingers grabbed my finger and I knew I was finally a mom. I will forever cherish the feeling of your fingers wrapped around mine. The nurses would comment that you knew I was there because your numbers would stabalize when I touched you. Your dad was so strong during those days. He would listen to the drs and nurses talk about your stats and diagnosis, while all I could do was look at you. You were so beautiful. You looked like me =) - you had my fingers and toes and sad to say you had my nose!

Your dad and I discussed what we would do when the diagnosis came back that you had blood on your brain. We prayed about it a lot and decided to leave everything in God's hands. On Monday the drs came in and told us that the second round of tests came back worse. There was most likely no way you would survive and if you did, it would be a really long road and your quality of life would be very poor. We had to make the decision to let you go. We called Pastor Frank, wrapped you in the blanket your great grandma knitted for you, and had you baptized that afternoon. For months I had dreamed of the day you would be baptised-- it had nothing to do with the family standing over an incubator in the NICU unit.

As the day went on, your numbers started getting worse. At one point I was alone with you and you were struggling so much. I was afraid that you were going to leave us before we got to kiss you goodbye. The last moments with you were so bittersweet. We finally got to hold you and kiss you, but it was during your last breaths. We spent a lot of time with you in our arms that evening and took many pictures that we will cherish forever.

I miss you so much it hurts. I hate that I will never get to see your eyes or enjoy your smile.
Although there are so many things I will never experience with you, I feel blessed that I had 3 glorious days with you and I will never let those go. Your short life tought me what it feels like to be a mother and that was something I longed for all my life. I know that you are happy in heaven with your sister and I can't wait until the day that we can hold you in our arms again.

Mommy and Daddy








The Alexcyn

A letter to our daughter Brooke...

In honor of our due date coming up on November 10, I thought I would write a letter to each of our daughters.

Brooke,

At 6 weeks, we found out we were pregnant with twins. We were definitely in shock and went through all of the OMG moments. I will never forget that the first thing your dad said was that we had to sell the boat! From that day on, you were named Baby A. At 17 weeks when I found out that you were a girl, I nicknamed you Ginger. I wanted something to call you so I didn't give away your real name and thought I would make it funny. Your dad was actually the one that picked out your name, Brooke. At first I wasn't so sure about it. All I kept thinking of was the Garbage Pail Kid card- Babbling Brooke. Over the next few weeks, I spent night after night looking through the baby name books and found myself constantly going back to Brooke. I suppose I did like it after all!

You were the one that I felt kick first. Even your dad got to feel a kick only a few days before you were born. You were also the one that was sitting on my bladder and contributed to a well worn path between me and the bathroom!

When my water broke, my heart broke. After being in the hospital for a while, we realized that it was your water that broke, You spent 48 hours in my belly with no protection at all. The night of July 18 when you were born, your skin was so dry, flaky and bruised, but we thought you were so beautiful. Your birth happened so fast. I hadn't even been to my birthing class yet and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. There was no time for medication, and I remember the feeling of you being born. It was very painful, but more emotionally than anything else. I knew that you would have a long road ahead of you if you survived.

Your dad was the first person to hold you. I remember looking over and seeing the look on his face. It was a mix of sadness and excitement- he was finally a dad! That moment will remain forever in my memory. I was so sad when they gave you to me to hold. That meant that there was nothing they could do for you and they wanted you to take your last breaths in your mom and dads arms. I had pictured the moment the dr handed you to us after your birth and this was not how it was supposed to be. We held you in our arms as long as we could. We took pictures of you that I cherish every day. We had the family come in and meet you as well as Pastor Mark and Pastor Frank. They both prayed for you as you left this world. You were our miracle, our Gift from God. We loved you from the moment we saw those two pink lines. I would do anything to have you back in my belly and have your brithday be next Monday. Not a day goes by that we don't think of you. We love you so much and miss you with all of our hearts.

Mommy and Daddy

Weekend

We actually had a really fun time this weekend. We paticipated in a Halloween scavenger hunt and then Saturday we were blessed with a fabulous evening out on our friends. We are so thankful to all of our family and friends who are helping to make this difficult time a little easier on us.

Kyla and Brinae stop by every year to trick or treat at our house. This year we ran out of candy and had to take some from Jasmine aka Kyla's bag to give out!

This picture is for my friend Angela. When I told her I was pregnant, she commented on how I can now stop dressing up my cat! Sorry to say Angela, but here I am tormenting poor Jasper again!

Last Day of the month...

I can't believe it, but the last day of October is here. As November creeps up, there are so many things going through my head. Especially today, I am thinking of the girls and all that we could be doing together. It was always a joke in the family that I would deliver them on Halloween because it is Jason's favorite holiday. I never liked the thought of always having their birthday parties be Halloween themed, now I would do anything to deliver two perfectly healthy little girls today.

I want to thank you all for your comments and prayers for everyone I mentioned this month. It is so sad to me that I know of so many women that have experienced loss. I apologize if I didn't mention your name, I tried really hard to remember everyone, but know that sometimes my memory fails me. I also know that there are some people out there who don't share thier loss with others. So, today I am praying for all of you that have not been mentioned- may you all find peace in your journey of recovery from your loss. Also, I have to mention that I have been praying for all women this month because in some cases, I don't know the husband. Jason has been saying prayers for all of the dads and will hopefully get on here soon to give his own update.

Hope you all have a Happy Halloween!

Sally

Today I am praying for Sally Wevers- our pastors wife. I don't know her story, but I know that Frank has mentioned in his sermons that they struffled with miscarriages while trying to get pregnant years ago. The night that Brooke passed away, they came up to the hospital to pray over her and mentioned that they had been in that situation before. Although you never wish this situation on someone else, it was nice to have someone there that knew exactly how you were feeling.

I also have to add that our basement is finished!!! Well, it is not officially "finished" anymore- we still need a couch and carpet, but it is water sealed, repainted and every wood panel is put back on the walls- it is done!!! Jason spent countless nights down there and worked so hard- he is such a great husband! So, after our horrible summer, I feel like we are finally starting to get our lives back to normal- a new normal that is.

Laura

Today I am praying for Laura Petroelje. We have never actually met, but we attend the same church. She reached out to us with support after losing the girls. After trying for 7 months, she found out she was pregnant. At her 5 month check up they were not able to detect a heartbeat. She went to the hospital and found out that she had been blessed with identical twin boys but that God had called them home early. She delivered two perfect little boys James Bridger & Blake Hunter.

Heidi

Today I am praying for cousin Heidi. On Easter morning a few years ago Heidi announced her pregnancy by giving her mom a picture frame that said Grandma on it. It was a great moment once Shari finally understood what was going on! This was only the second grandbaby for this family- we were all so excited. Unfortuanately, our excitement was short lived. At her dr appt, Heidi found out that her baby did not have a heartbeat. It took Heidi almost a year to get pregnant again. During that time, two other grandchildren were born in the family. Because of the trial Heidi faced, it helped her to help me during our struggles. Heidi was always there asking how I was doing and making sure we knew we were in her thoughts and prayers. It was so refreshing to me because as those of us that dealt with infertily know, it is not always easy to attend large family gatherings full of pregnant women and babies and to have someone to support you really means a lot.

On another note, I am putting together a "Thanks"giving basket for the doctors and nurses at the hospital. A friend is knitting blankets for the babies and I am going to attempt to make cookies and bars to fill it with. ***I say attempt because I am planning this for the day after my fundraising event Festival of Giving and last year all I wanted to do was sleep once it was all over!!!*** Anyways, if anyone would like to make a blankie or make a sweet treat or healthy treat for the basket, please email me. If you do not have my email, leave me a comment and I will get a hold of you.

Jamie

Today I am praying for my Aunt Jamie. At 38 weeks pregnant, she felt her baby take a huge turn in her belly which she thought was unusual. After that, she never felt her move again. After being induced and laboring for three days, she gave birth to Carolyn. She was stillborn. She was born on October 21 and would have been 16 now. My aunt still thinks about her all the time which proves my theory that time may heal the intensity of the pain, but your heart never fully heals from losing your child.

Last Tips of the week

I like to take Sundays away from my computer, so I have included the tips for today and tomorrow so this one will be kind of long. These tips all came from the Resolve website. It is a great online resource for anyone dealing with infertility and I highly recommend that you check it out if you or someone you know is suffering from this disease.


Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

After a week of the do nots, here are a few things you can do to help your friends and family.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone

Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Tip 5

Infertility Tip # 5 for the week, again from the Resolve website...


Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

The dreaded date...

I was listening to NPR a few weeks ago and there was an author on there discussing his book about dealing with the loss of his son. He talked about grief and mourning and mentioned the dreaded date. He said every year at the same time he would start noticing his body and mind were in a different state. He would be restless, have sad thoughts and angry thoughts, would not be able to concentrate on anything, and just feel overwhelmed. This always occured in the month leading up to the dreaded date - his sons death.



I have the date November 10 creeping up in all of my thoughts lately. Yes, that was my due date and we are planning a weekend up north to get away for that day. But what I had kinda put in the back of my mind is that most likely, I would not have delivered twins on my actual due date. The DR had told me that if I made it that far, she would induce me the last week in October....that is next week. As I sit here and look back on my week, I realize I am getting the symptoms of the dreaded date. Last Saturday was a great day for me. I went shopping with a friend and got home and listened to a message from my mom that said she knew today was a hard day for me and she was thinking about me. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what she was talking about. Jason had to remind me that it was the 18th- it had been 3 months already since the girls were born. I was shocked that I had missed that, yet I thought maybe it meant I was healing and I felt ok about forgetting. Then came Monday where I started feeling a little uneasy and not sure what that was about. I woke up Tuesday in a panic state and again had no idea what it was from- I assumed it was a bad dream. Tuesday was crazy at work and I found it hard to concentrate, but chalked it up to a busy day. Yesterday I couldn't concentrate again and I had this feeling of being overwhelmed yet I was not that busy. I went home in tears and I couldn't figure out what was going on, then I realized.... next week is the last week in October. I should be delivering two precious girls next week. Right now, I should be laying on the couch with my swollen feet and my huge belly complaining that my back hurts. I should be folding crisp new onesies and finding places in my house to hide mountains of diapers. October was supposed to be the month of my babies birth. Instead it is the month that I remember that I have angel babies in heaven. So, instead of praying for someone else today, I am being a little selfish and praying for myself. I know that with each day that gets closer to Nov 10, it will get harder and sadder. Please pray that I can survive this time of the dreaded date and that God will take away my saddness and fill me with comfort and peace.

Tip 3 & 4

Infertility tips of the day, again from the Resolve website. I do want to clarify that I am putting these on here in a way to help others to know what to say. Unfortunately, I have heard these things myself. If you said these things to me, I have forgiven you. I said them myself before I understood. I just hope that you embrace these posts and remember them next time you are confronted with infertility.


Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.


Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Courtney

Today I am praying for Courtney. She is a friend of a friend so I don't actually know her or her whole story, this is what I know... Courtney found out at 20 weeks pregnant that her baby had died 10 days earlier. She went to the hospital to be induced last Monday and did not deliver her son until Friday. I can't even imagine having to wait all that time to deliver a stillborn child. My heart breaks for her today as she is mourning the loss of her son Aiden. Please pray for her.

Tip #2 for the week is again from the Resolve website...


Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Jodi

Today I am praying for Jodi. I used to work with her at the salon years ago. She was the first person that I remember that dealt with infertility. Not only did she struggle to get pregnant, she also experienced numerous miscarriages. I am happy to say that she did get her happy ending and had a son a few years ago ~I am a little iffy on the details because it has been a while. I thought Jodi was the perfect person to start praying for this week of infertility awareness. I am sorry to say that because I didn't know, I said all the wrong things to her. I just didn't know any better and I thought I was helping. Until I heard them myself, I had no idea how hurtful they were. In an effort to help others who just don't know what to say, here is my advice for the day, courtesy of the RESOLVE website.

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

NIAW

Today begins National Infertility Awareness Week. Once again, I never knew such a week existed! October is definitely keeping me busy which is great because my due date is approaching and I can't help to think of all the things that I could be doing right now. In honor of this week, we made a donation to Stepping Stones Ministry. They are a part of Bethany Christian Services and they provide christian support for couples facing infertility and pregnancy loss. I always enjoyed receiving their newsletters in the mail and found that they helped to make me feel not so alone in this process.


I am planning on posting little tidbits about infertility all week to help those who are experiencing infertility or for friends and family to help understand what their loved one is going through. Today I am just posting this notice from The Fertility Center (aka my physician)...

In recognition of NIAW, The Fertility Center will offer a Free Initial New Patient appointment to all who schedule during the week of October 20-24.

This office was wonderful to us and we can't say enough good things about it. I encourage anyone who is debating whether or not to see a specialist, to go check it out this week- why not, its free!!

Claire

Today I am praying for Claire. In November of 2007, Claire was so excited to tell us that she was pregnant. She was scheduled for her 12 week ultrasound the same day that we had our weekly ladies night. Unfortunately, instead of sharing the news of her pregnancy, she told us that they could not find a heartbeat- she had miscarried. Claire had a D&C. Weeks later she was not feeling well and wondered if she could be pregnant again- it seemed too soon, but her tests were coming back positive. She discovered that not only was she not pregnant, but her first D&C did not get all of the tissue so she had to go in for another one. I am happy to report that Claire is once again pregnant and expecting her first child in March.

It is here!!!!

After what seemed like months of "headstone shopping" through cemeteries and numerous attempts to draw up our vision, our headstone is done and is in place! It is everything I dreamed it would be. Jason and I walked there last night and happened to catch a Holland football game while we sat there and admired it. It seems kinda wierd to be so excited for a headstone, but to me it symbolizes that they really were here. I welcome any of you to come by and visit. It is located in Pilgrim Home cemetery along the edge of the stadium, under the tree. There are only a few there, so it is not too hard to find.

The cemetery is pretty picky about what you can and can't put on the graves, but I couldn't resist putting my mini pumpkins on there!

Today I am praying for Shelly Plaggemars. I have never personally met Shelly, but she works at the same company as Jason. At 20 weeks, she went in to find out the gender of her twins, and sadly she realized that they had passed away- there were no heartbeats. She gave birth to Adam and Isaiah this summer. I don't remember the specific date, but I remember that it was shortly after we lost our girls because the pain was still so intense and my heart just broke when I heard someone else had to experience this pain.

Sarah

Today I am praying for Sarah Terpstra. When trying for her first child, she experienced numerous miscarriages in early pregnancy. She was able to finally carry a baby to full term and had her daughter Lilian in December of 2005. While trying for baby #2, she once again experienced miscarriages. Luckily, she was blessed with another full term pregnancy and she gave birth to her second daughter Sophia in April of this year.

Thanks to all who lit their candles last night. We lit one for Brooke, one for Alexcyn and one for all the babies that we know that are up in Heaven. Hope you all had as peaceful of a night as I did!

October 15

October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. This includes all babies that have died from miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or any infant death. As a way of remembering, everyone is asked to light a candle at 7 pm tonight and leave it burning for an hour. This will create a "wave of light" all over the world in rememberance of all the babies that we have lost. You can check out more information on this website, http://www.october15th.com/


I ask all of you today to please light a candle in rememberance of Brooke, Alexcyn and all the babies that I am mentioning this month in my blog.



Candles - Written by Tim Russell, Kokomo, IN

On streets of gold, walk many children with candles all aglow.
Happy faces, shining smiles, but there is one that stands alone.
Oh and when asked to join the others she just smiles at them and says
I cannot keep my candle lit from the tears from my mothers eyes.
For my mother is now weeping just for me.
Although she does not understand that I'm living in this promised land
Where my candle's light can take away her tears.
Oh sometimes it seems so lonely, in our hearts we seem so sad,
From a loss of our precious loved ones and the memories that we have,
Oh but keep your eyes on their lights, let their candle shine so bright.
For they cannot keep their candles lit, from the tears that we shed,
So remember that they're living in His love.
As Jesus walks with them, let their life shine within,
And their candles light can take away all our tears....

Michelle

Today I am praying for my sister in law Michelle. In the fall of 2006, we found out they were expecting their second child. At the 12 week ultrasound they found out that the baby did not have a heartbeat- she had miscarried. She had a D&C and the tests from the tissue came back as a partial molar pregnancy. This is a very serious condition. Michelle had to get blood work done every month to make sure her numbers were staying down and was told with no exceptions that she had to take a year off before trying to get pregnant again. One year later, she was pregnant and gave birth to our beautiful niece Brinae.

Rachel

Today I am praying for Rachel Ratledge. She is a member of our church and she reached out with words of encouragement and sympathy after our loss. I have never actually met Rachel so I don't know her full story. All I know is that she gave birth to a son, Nathan, at 38 weeks- he was stillborn. Even though it has been a year since her loss, the pain is still there, it is just not as intense. She explained a peace that she had knowing that Nathan was resting in the arms of Jesus. I pray that she may always find that peace in her heart.

This weekend was a busy one for us. We had our niece Kyla over for the night. This is something that we like to do every now and then and actually were supposed to do the week that my water broke. We took her to the ballet to see Peter and the Wolf and then to Cranes to go through the Corn Maze and then we celebrated Halloween early at a local campground. We were exhausted, but had so much fun. Yesterday we were able to enjoy what will most likely be our last boating day of the year.

Kyla and I in the corn

Kyla on Uncle Jay's shoulders after getting lost in the corn and getting too tired to walk!

Last boating day and sadly, the only boating picture I took all year

As we were headed in for the night, this mini rainbow caught my eye and I thought it was beautiful.

Kim

Today I am praying for Kim Smit. This summer she was so excited to tell us that she was expecting her second child. Unfortunately, she found out at her 12 week ultrasound that the baby did not have a heartbeat; she had miscarried.

Also an update on Katie- she had surgery and everything looked good. Her drs think that because she was on dialysis her fluids were not going where they should and caused her to not have enough fluid to urinate. I am happy to report that she is urinating a lot now and everything looks good!

Katie Lubbers

I am repeating Katie's day because she desperately needs prayers right now. Here is an update from her blog this morning...

**update**please pray, urine has stopped and i am very uncomfortable and scared that something is wrong. drs are tring to figure it out but not as quickly as i'd like.~going in for surgery asap. please pray.

Please pray that the surgery will go well and the drs will be able to find the blockage and that God will take away her fears and the fears of her family.

Christa

Today I am praying for Christa Zweip. In 2007, after announcing her pregnancy, she found out that she had miscarried. This summer, she told us that she was pregnant again. A few days later, she found out that she had miscarried again. I pray for peace in her heart and mind as she thinks back on what could have been and as she faces any future pregnancies.

I also wanted to update you on Katie Lubbers, the friend I prayed for last week. She had her surgery yesterday and the kidney transplant was a success! Katie and her sister Mindy are recovering well and Katie's creatin level has already gone down from 11-5- God is amazing!

Joyce

Today I am praying for Joyce. During her struggles with infertility, she experienced a chemical pregnancy and a miscarriage. She has since been blessed with a beautiful baby girl, Lila Grace, but the babies she lost are never far from her heart.

Also, I attended a fundraising luncheon for the rescue mission in town yesterday. Pastor Jim, who is the president of our board of directors at work, spoke and it was amazing and exactly what I needed to reminded of yesterday. His focus was on the verse below and how everyone experiences hills in their lives but how lucky we are to have someone who is at the bottom of those hills that is willing to pick us up and comfort us and give us peace. It was a wonderful reminder that when I have down days like I did on Monday that I need to turn to God because he is there to help me through this situation.

I lift up my eyes to the hills- Where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.He will not let your foot slip -He who watches over you will not slumber;Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.The LORD watches over youThe LORD is your shade at your right hand;The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will keep you from all harm -He will watch over your life;The LORD will watch over your coming and goingBoth now and forevermore. Psalm 121

Katie

Today I am praying for Katie ( a different one from before). This Katie is actually the daughter of Marla who I prayed for yesterday. She experienced miscarriages as she tried to get pregnant. She has since been blessed with a son and daughter, but the babies that she lost are never far from her mind.

Thank you to everyone for lifting me up in prayer yesterday. I am feeling better today after having a good long cry last night and a nice big bowl of Bear Hug ice cream!

Marla and my pity party...

Today I am praying for Marla. She is a co-worker of mine who experienced a loss through miscarraige over 30 years ago. The sad part is that even though it was a long time ago, there is still a part of your heart that never forgets.

Today I am also struggling with so many things. I am throwing myself a little pity party. I lay awake last night and for the first time in a long time, I started reliving every moment from the second my water broke to the minute that Jason got to the hospital to the ambulance ride to Spectrum to the delivery of my two precious angels. My heart just ached last night as I thought of everything that happened. And now today I am feeling sorry for myself and I know that is horrible but that is where I am and I am asking for prayers to get me through this day. It seems like lately all I have seen are perfect families with perfect little children and perfect pregnancies and I just get angry that I can't have that. I don't understand why I have to suffer and struggle so much for something that some women don't even blink an eye over. I hear stories of teenagers putting babies in the dumpster because they don't want them. I wonder how my God allows them a child and not me. I look at the changing of the season right now and think of all the things I should be doing to prepare for my babies arrival and instead I am awaiting the arrival of their grave marker. I have truly been blessed with so many other things like a wonderful husband, a house that only occasionally leaks=), a family that would do anything for me and don't forget my 20 lb cat Jasper who cuddles when he knows I need it. It is days like this that I need to constantly remind myself of those things so that I don't fall into a bitter hole of depression, anger and resentment that is so easy to do in this situation. Please pray that I can find a way out of this pity party.

Rebekah

Today I am praying for Rebekah. After dealing with infertility, Rebekah found out that she was pregnant with twins. She was elated. At 20 weeks she went in for an ultrasound and found out that one of the twins had passed away. On June 26, Rebekah gave birth to Avery Vianne aka Vivi. Please remember Rebekah in your prayers today as she has been blessed with a beautiful baby girl, but has also lost the expeirience of being a mom to twins.

Alison and A Walk to Remember

Today I am praying for Alison. At 36 weeks pregnant after noticing that her baby had stopped moving, she found out that her baby's little heart had stopped beating. On July 9, 2007 she gave birth to Annika Beth. Alison is pregnant once again and is expecting a son. Prayers for peace in her mind and heart as a pregnancy after a loss is not easy.

While we were in the hospital, they gave us a Walk to Remember brochure. I kind of blew it off because I wasn't ready for anything like that. Alison contacted me about it and after debating whether I was ready or not, I decided it might be a good thing so I signed us up. I am so glad that I went! We had to drive about an hour to get to a beautiful park where the celebration was being held. They had a short ceremony where a woman who attended the first walk 22 years ago spoke about her loss. It was very similar to ours- her water broke at 5 months and after a few days, she gave birth to a little girl that wieghed 1 1/2 pounds. Then they had one person from each family go up and get a white rose for each child lost- during that time they had someone sing 'Precious Child' which is one of my favorite songs. We then decorated balloons for Brooke and Alexcyn and as their names were read aloud we set the balloons free. After everyones name was read we took a short walk to a covered bridge and back. It was a wonderful way to remember our girls and the impact they made on our lives. We will definitely be back next year!

setting Brooke's balloons free

setting Alexcyn's balloons free

it is kind of hard to see, but the girls names were on the back of the shirt