September 16, 2005- We started trying to get pregnant. I can vividly remember the conversations J and I had about how we would announce our pregnancy to everyone. We figured we would be pregnant by Christmas and we would do the ever famous "grandma and grandpa" gift. We talked about how excited our families would be and we dreamed of their reactions full of excitement and joy. Christmas 2005 came and went and there were pregnancy announcements made, but not by us. It was
ok though. We had only been trying a few months at that point, our turn was next. When I think back on that time, I am still amazed at how naive we were.
Christmas 2006- By this point, we had been trying for a while and had experienced a few rounds of the lovely fertility drug,
Clomid. We were actually due to take a
HPT on Christmas. I didn't even dare do it that morning. I love Christmas and I figured it was better to go through the day filled with hope than
sadness from seeing yet another negative
HPT. Later that day, it was obvious that the final round of
Clomid had not worked. So, yet another year passed, more pregnancies were announced, more babies joined our family and circle and friends and there we were- still waiting.
Christmas 2007- We had been seeing a RE and had actually gotten pregnant this year only to loose the baby to miscarriage. The baby was due November 10. I remember Christmas being extremely difficult as I had so many dreams for that baby and how we would finally celebrate Christmas as a family. This Christmas, I was very sad. I had lost all hope of my dreams ever coming true. I thought life couldn't get any worse. Little did I know....
Christmas 2008- From the moment the Christmas decorations started going up, I wanted to crawl under the covers and not come out until this horrible year had ended. Unfortunately, this year I found out that life could get worse... much worse. The loss of our Brooke and
Alexcyn brought a whole new reality of
sadness to our lives. This Christmas was a complete blur to me. I remember being there, but I was in another world.... a sad world, a lonely world, a world where everything was numb.
Christmas 2009- Our dreams have finally come true. I am seeing Christmas through the eyes of a child and it is the best gift I have ever
received! I can finally attend the family gatherings and actually hold my own baby in my arms. Instead of watching everyone else celebrate the holiday with their kids and longing for what they have, I finally have it. I long no more! We have encountered many broken dreams along the way and right now I miss the girls like crazy and I wonder what could have and should have been.
But, then I look at this face and I just thank God a thousand times for the amazing blessing of life this Christmas...
Although we celebrate this Christmas, I have not and will not ever forget what we went through to have an actual "Merry Christmas". So many years of longing, so many years of unfulfilled dreams, so much
sadness-- one does not just forget those feelings. For all of you out there that are suffering from infertility, I am saying a prayer of
comfort for you as you go through the holidays with lost dreams. For those of you grieving the loss of a infant this year, I am praying that God surrounds you with
peace. And for those of you holding your rainbow baby this year, I am saying a big prayer of
thanks with you!
But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end.”
(I didn't feel like smiling for my picture!)
