Year in pictures....

January 17- baptism

February 1- my birthday

April- beginning of Grant putting everything in his mouth!

May- Tulip Time

July 18- Brooke and Alexcyn's birthday

September- trip to Phili

October 1- Grant's First Birthday!!!

December- first snowfall


I pray that you all have a safe and happy New Year's Eve.  Many good blessings to you all in 2011.



Christmas

I was so excited for Christmas this year.  I couldn't wait to see the look on Grant's face when he saw all of his amazing presents.  Of course, wouldn't you know that Wednesday night, G spiked a 104 fever and suddenly all of our excitement was gone!  I took him into the dr on Thursday and he thought it was a sinus infection as a result of his lingering cold from a couple weeks ago.  (yes, we are always sick in this house!) So, we started an antibiotic and loaded up the presents and headed to grandma and grandpas house for our Christmas Eve Eve celebration.

The next day we headed to see my family down south. We were there for less than 24 hours so it was a quick trip, but there is nothing like being home for the holidays so it was worth it.

Saturday afternoon we headed back home to celebrate with J's extended family.  We were lucky enough that Santa had some time in his busy schedule to stop by and see all of the kids at our party.  Grant's present was the first one out of the bag and we were amazed at how easily he went to Santa, especially since the last visit to Santa produced quite a scream.  Isn't this just precious.....

As we were getting G ready for church on Sunday morning, we noticed that he had a rash all over his tummy and back.  We are pretty sure his 3 days of temp had nothing to do with his sinus infection and was in fact Roseola....  so, sorry if you were around us those few days! 

Sickness and all, it was a wonderful holiday.  We feel so blessed by our family and friends and are just so grateful to be able to spend a holiday cuddling our little guy.  Of course, thoughts of what could have been always flood my head this time of year.  I dream about the Christmas festivities with two little girls all dressed up in their beautiful red dresses.  I think about how chaotic and crazy it would be with them finally understanding the presents under the tree were for them to open.  I think about the gift of a trip to Disney this year and how much fun they would have getting Cinderella's autograph.  It makes me sad to know that I will never see those situations play out in person.   I miss them like crazy, but I am trying to stay positive and think of the amazing celebration they were part of in Heaven on Jesus' birthday!

Christmas in Heaven

 

I see the countless

Christmas trees

around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,

reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular,

please wipe away the tear

For I am spending Christmas with

Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs

that people hold so dear

But the sounds of music can't compare

with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,

the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description,

to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,

I see the pain inside your heart.

But I am not so far away,

We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,

You know I hold you dear.

And be glad I'm spending Christmas

with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,

from my heavenly home above.

I sent you each a memory

of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious

than pure gold.

was always most important

in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,

my Father said to do.

I can't count the blessing or love

He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and

Wipe away that tear

Remember, I am spending Christmas with

Jesus Christ this year.

Merry Christmas to my beautiful girls Brooke and Alexcyn.  I hope you are throwing Jesus the best birthday party ever today!

"The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other." ~Burton Hillis

in Heaven...

"And loved ones who've died, though I miss them today..... at times in an almost unbearable way.... they're doing just fine and they're loving their stay in Heaven.

The day I arrive I will be so excited to see all of my loved ones.  They've all been invited to join in the laughter and be reunited in Heaven.

A mom with her baby, kids with their dad, widows, and friends who've been painfully sad are in for a party like they've never had in Heaven."


"God blesses you who weep now, for the time will come when you will laugh with joy." Luke 6:21

Excerpt from There's A Party In Heaven!  by Gary Bower.  I highly recommend this book to any babyloss mommas that believe their baby/babies are in Heaven. It gives a beautiful visualization of where our babies are resting until we can see them again.  And, I think it is a wonderful way to tell your rainbow babies about their siblings in Heaven.

First Snow

A couple weeks ago we woke up to the first snow of the season.  I was so thankful that it was one of my days to stay home with G.  We stayed in our jammies most of the morning and just watched the snow fall and then layered on some clothes and went outside to explore after nap time.  Grant is getting his snow suit for Christmas so the poor kid had on so many layers of clothes that he could barely walk and at one point he fell over and couldn't stand back up.  Needless to say, our time outside was pretty short, but it didn't stop me from taking some cute pictures!



walking in the snow....




this was after he fell - his poor face was covered in snow!





my little snow bunny

 

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift." ~Elizabeth Edwards~


I saw this quote on Face.book the other day and I just had to re-post it.  It is such a simple statement that has so much meaning.  I know I have said it many times, but the fact that others remember my girls means the world to me.  Now, I am not saying that you all have to run out and buy me a card or ask me about them next time you see me.  Often times it is just the simple act of randomly hearing their names spoken by others that makes my heart feel full.  It was months ago that I saw my 6 year old niece while shopping at Target.  We ran into each other in the baby clothes section and she grabbed a cute little girly pajama set and casually said, "Alexcyn would love this Aunt Krista." It brought tears to my eyes.  The innocence of a little girl that doesn't hesitate and think too hard about if she should say something or not is just priceless.  So, I thought this was a good reminder that if you know someone who lost a child - mention to them that you are thinking of them and their child even if it has been years since their loss.  Knowing that you remember is the greatest gift you can give!

memories

Sometimes it amazes me how a simple sound, smell, song, or word can bring back vivid memories in my mind.  I was at the doctors office last week and the nurse gave me a slip for some blood work (nothing serious, just a typical cholesterol check) and asked me if I knew where the lab was?  Seriously, did I know where the lab was???  Of course I know where the lab is.  I have been there hundreds of times over the last five years for fertility testing, blood work after my miscarriage, blood work for my pregnancies.  Suddenly as I stood there waiting for her to check me out, I was transformed back to that waiting room at the hospital.  I can remember the feeling of my heart pounding out of my chest as I sat there watching the nature channel - I am assuming that they put that on to relax you.  All I know is that a snake crawling through a forest is not relaxing to me!  The phlebotomist calls my name and I think my feet are going to cave beneath me- I am so scared to find out the results of this test.  She draws my blood, gives me information if I want to call and get my results within an hour and sends me on my way.  At that time, I was working as a receptionist so I had no privacy for phone calls.  After about 2 hours of constant prayer and pure anxiety, I see the doctors office number pop up on the caller ID.  I quickly run to the closest empty office, close the door, grab the kleenex out of my pocket and pick up the phone.  I suddenly feel like I am in a dream state as I wait to hear those words....... you are pregnant.  I couldn't believe my ears and I made her repeat it a couple times.  I was instructed to go back to the lab in 2 days and get my blood drawn again and if it doubled, they would schedule me for an ultrasound.  So, 2 days later it felt like de ja vu as I sat in that waiting room, as I waited for the call, as I dashed into an empty office, as I waited to hear those words......your HCG doubled- you are officially pregnant!  Of course, we all know the ending to this story.  I went in at 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat.  I went in at 7 weeks and there was still no heartbeat.  I went in at 8 weeks and it was confirmed that I had a miscarriage.  Sometimes I wish I could go back to that blissful week between hearing the words that I was pregnant and seeing the look on Dr Y's face as he searched for a heartbeat.  I was naive, I was ignorant, I didn't know what I know now and I liked that feeling. 

So, why am I telling you this random story.  I guess I feel that sometimes all my blog posts are about how happy we are with Grant.  But, I wanted you all to know that I never forget the pain of infertility, I never forget the pain of my miscarriage, I never forget the pain of losing my girls.  I still pray every night for people I know and don't know that are dealing with infertility because I understand their pain and know that this is all I can do to help take it away. 

Also, I wanted to address the question of us trying to get pregnant again.  A lot of people have asked me lately so I figured I would throw it out there for you all to hear at the same time.  We would love to have another child, but we are not ready to go through all of the pain of infertility again.  Trying to get pregnant isn't as easy for us as it is for others.  It involves constant trips to the dr for ultrasounds, long annoying phone calls with the insurance company, nightly injections into my belly, and do I even need to mention the heartache of seeing a negative HPT, the envy, jealousy and anger that consumes you as you TTC month after month.  So, instead of dealing with all of that, we have decided to lay it all out for God.  If he chooses to bless us with another miracle baby than we would be thrilled.  If He doesn't, we will still be thrilled because we have our Grant and really all we ever wanted was to be able to hold a child of our own in our arms and that dream came true October 1, 2009.

holiday weekend...

Life was pretty busy around here before the holiday.  I had a big event at work that was taking up a lot of my time and Grant was not sleeping well.  So, we headed out for the holiday totally exhausted and sleep deprived!  Luckily, my family loves spending every moment they can with the G man so they kindly let us get a few good nights sleep while they woke up with Grant.  He seems to be on his normal schedule again....hopefully he stays that way!

We had a great time stuffing our faces with turkey.  Grant of course wanted nothing to do with the delicious turkey, but he gladly ate the whole cranberries- go figure! 

On our way home we stopped by the Christmas Tree Farm and cut down what I think is our best tree yet!  We have been going to the same place for almost 5 years now and every year they add something new.  This year they had a horse drawn sleigh (aka mules pulling a trailer) and Santa.  As you can see, Grant was less than thrilled with being sat next to the guy in red!  Better luck next year I guess.

(yes, we chopped off the top of a tree....  the selection wasn't that great for smaller trees this year so we had no choice!)

thanksgivings....

Today I am thankful for coupon blogs!  I started this addiction almost a year ago when I went down to part time and had to find a way to budget and make up for my lost income.  Since then I have become one of those crazy people that runs to Rite Aid in her pajamas at 9 at night to get free Halloween candy and yes, I admit that I have a coupon binder!  I was horrible about coupons before and probably still would be without the amazing ladies at Hip2Save that do all of the legwork for me.  They have saved me hundreds of dollars on my grocery bill and now thanks to them, I get tons of fun little samples in the mail everyday. 

On that subject... Shutterfly is doing a promotion that if you talk about their fabulous Christmas cards on your blog, you get 50 free cards.  I really do love their cards and I actually have ordered 10 cards already with another coupon so I am excited that I will now be able to get more cards to match those.  For those of you that receive cards from us, I don't want to ruin the fun of opening your cards so I won't share them here but I will show you some of their amazing designs.  It really is hard to choose because they have such a great selection.  Here are some of my favorites...

Christmas Cards

Holiday Cards



Beth- I pick this one for your cards!!!!

 If you are looking for a good gift for grandparents, I would also highly recommend their photo calendars.  I was so excited to fill all the mailboxes I could with calendars full of my G man last year!  I may or may not be doing that again this year... I guess all of you grandmas will have to wait and see.  

Thanks to Shutterfly for helping me stay on budget this Christmas.  If you are a blogger and you want to be part of this promotion, click here!

thanksgivings and a favor...

First off, I need a favor from you babyloss mommas.  I am looking for a recommendation for a book to give someone who just lost a baby.  I usually always go with Empty Cradle, Broken Heart but they already have that one.  All of the other books I read, I checked out from the libraryu and now I can't remember what any of them were. I am hoping some of you can help me out with recommendations.  It can be a Christian book as well just in case you were wondering.  Thanks in advance!

Today I am thankful for my job.  I have been working at a small Christian non-profit organization for the last three years.  I am so thankful to not only have a job, but to have one that is flexible when Grant is sick or my sitter is sick or when I need to go to a thousand doctor appts like I did with both of my pregnancies.  When we lost the girls, my boss organized what I called our meals on wheels.  For three weeks, we didn't have to worry about going to the grocery store (a place I tried to avoid for a very long time) or have to think about what we were going to make for dinner.  In the midst of all of our sorrow, it was nice to not have to worry about those things.  I am also thankful that I work for a Christian organization.  When something happens, we gather together and pray.  There are not many jobs out there where you can even speak about religion, much less break into prayer at any given moment.  For that I am thankful!

thanksgivings

Today I am thankful for the Internet.  I know it seems like a silly thing to be thankful for, but honestly I don't know how I would have gotten through the last few years without it!  When infertility became a reality for us, I turned to the Internet.  I looked up all sorts of information on pretty much an hourly basis!  I had an ovulation calendar online and I joined an infertility board on a popular website.  At that time, people kinda looked at you strange when you said you chatted online with others- it was still assumed anyone online was a rapist or a murderer.  But, I am here to say that the ladies I met through that group are amazing and definitely not murderers!  They were experiencing the same things I was and we were a wonderful support for each other during a time when no one around us understood.  I still keep in touch with that first group of ladies today- thanks to Facebook of course!

When we lost the girls, I was able to communicate to all my family and friends through my blog.  I used it as my journal at times and as a way to connect with other babyloss mommas as well.  The friends I have made through blogging got me through my darkest days.  Reading their posts made me feel normal in a situation that made me feel far from normal.  Even though we will probably never meet, I know I will never forget them.

Now I use the Internet to reach out to others.  Through email and blogging, I am now able to help them get through their darkest days and for that I am thankful!

thanksgivings...

Today I am so thankful for my family and friends.  We have truly been blessed to be surrounded by amazing family and friends that have really been there for us over the years.  They have been there when we needed prayers, words of encouragement and listening ears.  When we lost the girls, everyone really stepped up to help us out.  Our yard was mowed, our fridge was full of food for weeks and our mail box was stuffed full of cards and letters and gifts.  I don't know how I would have gotten through the last few years without all of you, so thank you!

thanksgivings

Words can not describe how thankful I am for this amazing little boy......
He makes my life complete in a way I never knew possible and I thank God everyday for blessing us with his life.

Thanksgivings

Today I am thankful for my health.  We woke up Saturday night to Grant throwing up in his crib.  He had acted fine all day and didn't have a fever so we weren't sure what was going on.  He was fine on Sunday but after drinking some of his bottle Sunday night, he erupted like a volcano all over J.  It was not a pretty site!  We still weren't convinced that he had a stomach bug because he was acting fine and eating/drinking normal all day.  Well, Monday night both J and I started feeling our tummies tighten and we were suddenly convinced that it was in fact the stomach flu.  As I was laying on the floor in the bathroom begging for some reprieve, I thought about all the people I know that are dealing with cancer right now.  Unfortunately, it seems like an extraordinarily high amount of young people in our town have been diagnosed with the C word recently.  Some of them are going through radiation, some are dealing with an hour of chemo a week and some are dealing with 8 hours of chemo a day.  As I thought of the pain and suffering that they go through on an hourly basis, I was thankful that I knew my suffering would be over within 24 hours.  I always say the best part of the flu (besides the instant weight loss of course) is the feeling you get when you suddenly feel better.  Those dealing with cancer are never given that opportunity to know when their struggles will end and when they will finally get that amazing burst of energy.  So, today I pray for all the people dealing with the horrible side effects of cancer right now- may God heal you and give you strength to get through your battle.

Thanksgivings

Today I am thankful for appliances.  Yes, I said appliances!  On Friday I thought our dishwasher was broken and I was horrified at the thought of having to wash the whole load of dirty dishes myself.  Thankfully it was an easy fix and it was back up and running within a few hours. 

Last night, we woke up to Grant throwing up in his crib.  Everything was coated - including the two layers of sheets and waterproof covers!  I yanked them off the mattress and threw them in the washer instantly.  Suddenly, I was very thankful for my washer!

I often times take these items for granted.  I want newer, shinier models that make my kitchen look cool or front loading machines that wash 5 loads at once.  What I forget is that not everyone is lucky enough to even have a dishwasher or washing machine in their home.  Some people have to go to the laundromat and some (gasp) have full time dish pan hands!  So, I was planning to be thankful for something totally different today. But with these recent events, it gave me a chance to step back and be thankful for these two glorious appliances that save my day almost every day!

Thanksgivings...

A few of my bloggy friends are making a point to blog everyday until Thanksgiving about something they are thankful for.  Now, I hate to set myself up for failure so I am not committing myself to do this everyday, but I thought it would be fun to join in and contribute when I can.

So, today I am thankful for my amazing husband Jason.  It was nine years ago that we met.  We had known each other through friends and ended up hanging out one random Saturday afternoon.  I was supposed to go to a Notre Dame football game with my mom but had overslept and missed the opportunity so I had nothing going on.  I think we ran into each other at the grocery store or something like that - the logistics are a little cloudy....  Anyways, we ended up spending the next few hours together stealing pumpkins from his parents house, carving them up and watching Ghostbusters!  It was such a fun night and it was then that I knew that he was going to be more than just a friend in my life.  It was also then that I got my first glimpse into his love of Halloween!

I could have never guessed nine years ago that we would be where we are today.  We have been through so many ups and downs, good times and bad times.  He has been there to wipe my tears as I cried myself to sleep at night and there to hold my hand and encourage me as we did just one more round of infertility treatments.  He is amazing and brings out the best in me and I am so thankful for him!

This is one of my favorite pics of us.  It was taken on a trip with J's family to Nueva Vallarta.  Don't we look so young????



Happy Halloween!

Halloween is a big deal in our household.  Mostly because of my husband who treats Halloween like I do Christmas!  He decorates the house up with spider webs, plays really scary music, plugs in the black lights and the strobe light and sits in the garage waiting to scare the heck out of anyone who dares walk up our driveway. 

The weekend started with a 5k Fun Run Fundraiser that I had organized for my work.  J came down and ran  while pushing Grant in the stroller.  We borrowed this inchworm costume from cousin H because it was cute and cuddly and especially warm for the chilly run around Windmill Island. 

Saturday night we had the grandparents over for steak dinner and then left them at our house to hand out candy while we took this little monster around the block!

It was so fun to actually be able to take our baby out trick of treating!  We even got him to walk up to a few doors, but mostly we just pushed him in the stroller. After a few houses, I did feel slightly guilty taking candy knowing that G was never going to eat it.  But, it was so much fun I just couldn't help it!  I was very thankful for our neighbor however, because she handed out little bags of Teddy Grahams for the little kids so that Grant could at least eat something out of his bag!

It was a great weekend full of lots of Halloween memories.  Hope you all had a wonderful one as well!

Quiet...

Things have been quiet around here lately which is fine by me!  After a really busy beginning to fall and all the anticipation of Grant's first birthday, it is nice to just sit back and relax a bit.  This is a little glimpse into what we have been up to lately....



this is Grant's happy face.... we also refer to it as his Chucky face!  He loves playing in the leaves.

 


I procrastinated this moment for a long time, but I finally gave in.  Grant got his first haircut and now he looks so much older!

 

Grant and I spent an awesome fall afternoon at a local orchard with a friend and her daughter.  They had goats, chickens and a very large turkey.  Grant loved petting the goats and he even got to feed them their breakfast- it was so much fun.

Just hanging out in the apple orchard...

J and I ventured out on our annual color tour a few weekends ago.  It included a lot of amazing fall colors, some delicious cider doughnuts and a final stop at our property.  We sat there for a while dreaming about our future plans and all the fun times that Grant will have playing at this amazing spot!

 Other random thoughts...

*Grant had his 12 month appt.  He only weighed 19 pounds!  He is in the 15% for his age in weight and 40% for his height.   We knew he would be low in weight because he is a horrible eater.  One day he will eat anything I give him and the next he will spit it right out.  If you knew me as a child, you are probably giggling a little bit at this one.  I know my mom is! 

*Grant has 10 teeth now- the top two eye teeth have been slowing making their appearance.

*Grant has started throwing fits.  A while back he would have an occasional fit, but now it seems to be all the time.  I don't know what brought them on, but ever since this weekend, they have gotten worse.  Whenever the G man doesn't get his way, he will tighten up his neck muscles and scream.  It was kinda cute the first time....but the 100th time, not so much!  Any advice on dealing with these is appreciated!

*And finally.... with Halloween approaching, I can't help to think about the girls.  I know it sounds weird, but I just imagine all the creative characters or themes I could have come up with for all three of my babies and it makes the holiday a little bittersweet.  I can't wait to dress Grant up and watch him walk up to a door, but it makes me sad for the two little girls that will never say trick or treat.  For Halloween,  Grant had two outfits- a monster and a cuddly tiger.  Unfortunately, with his short little legs and skinny waist, he swims in the tiger outfit and trips over the feet.  I am hoping to save it for next year.

Well, I think that is it about now.  The Heart Association just called and woke up G from his nap- pretty sure I am not donating to them anytime soon!

Wave of Light

If you or someone you know has lost a baby due to infant loss, miscarriage, still birth, etc... please light a candle tonight at 7:00.   Our house will be lit up with candles tonight in memory of the baby we lost to miscarriage, the niece or nephew we never got to meet, the son or daughter you never got to hold, the baby that was taken from your arms way too soon and of course our beautiful daughters Brooke and Alexcyn. 

For more information on the Wave of Light,  click here.

One year pictures...

Two weekends ago, I set out for a one year photo shoot with Grant and my not so excited assistant Jason.  I had planned on getting professional pictures taken, but that didn't work out.  So, I figured I could just take his pics and play around with them in Photoshop and it would be all good.  What I forgot was that Grant is not the best subject when it comes to photographs!  We went to three different locations and snapped hundreds of pictures of Grant eating the dirt and bark at the park, Grant trying desperately to crawl right into the lake at the marina and Grant attempting an escape on our neighbors back porch.  So, out of all the pictures I took, these are the only half way decent ones.



I'm outta here!

a little air guitar action!

finally we got a smile out of him!





which way to the water?

are we done yet????



I saved my favorite for last!  This pic turned out amazing and didn't require any PS actions!