Write their names in the sand...

I found this wonderful website through another blog that I follow. The family is from Australia and after the loss of their son, they started writing names of babies that have passed away in the sand for others that have also lost babies. These pictures are beautiful and this is such an amazing gift that this family gives to bless the lives of others. I was so excited when I saw that Brooke and Alexcyn's names were on there today.

You can check out the blog if you click here.

This is exactly what I needed this week of Thanksgiving; this week that we are supposed to find everything we are thankful for. In the midst of all our saddness, we do realize that we are still very blessed and have a lot to be thankful for in our lives. Most of all, we think of how different our experience would have been had we not had 3 days with Alexcyn. They weren't all peaceful joy filled days, but we had 3 whole days with our daughter while she was alive- that is a gift that we are so thankful for this year. To say thanks to the hospital for all they did before and after the girls were born, I made these baskets that Jason is dropping off today. I made one for the NUCU unit that has blankets made by Diane and sweet treats made by Grandma Anne, Grandma Sue and "Grandma" Betty (not an official grandma in our family, but she is a close friend who would have loved the girls like they were her own grandchildren so she gets the title as well!).

I also made a basket for the girls on the long term maternity floor. There took such good care of us and our families the few days that we were there. They went out of their way to make sure we had the personal space we needed when times were tough and they even found a room for us to sleep in when we were discharged.

I didn't take a pciture of the last basket, but it is going to Denice the nurse from labor and delivery that took care of us the night the girls were born. She was amazing and I thought she deserved some treats as well!


So, I know that some people wonder how they can be thankful this Thanksgiving when they have lost an infant, they have lost a job, they have lost a family member or friend.... I encourage you all to take a deep look at your lives and all that has happened in the last year- I can gaurantee there is something that happened that you are thankful for. Even if it is just a smile on your childs face, a roof over your head, a meal on your table or the love you get from the family pet. And, I also encourage you to let others know that you are thankful for them because what a great feeling it is to know that you make a positive impact in anothers life!

I'm Back!!

Sorry for not posting much the last week. I was a busy bee getting ready for my big fundraising event at work and I can finally say that it is over- woo hoo! I spent almost every day (even Sunday) getting ready for the open house on Saturday and then the auction on Monday. Everything went so well and I am hopeful we raised a lot of money for our clinic!

Jason and his co-workers decorated this Seas'n Greetings tree- it was a top seller! Sure am glad I recommended the theme!!

I loved this tree!

This is the tree that Jason won- it is called Endless Summer and had 20 1$ coins on it!! Not quite sure where we are going to put it yet!

With the Festival keeping my mind busy, I have not had a lot of time to think about the upcoming holiday. There were a few moments on Saturday that I found my mind drifting to thoughts of how I shouldn't even be at the Festival this year- I should be home with my babies. And of course, I ran into some friends, volunteers and acquaintances that I have not seen in person since this summer. They were all so kind, but sometimes it is difficult to get into the frame of mind to discuss what happened- especially when you are in the middle of a fundraising event that you are in charge of.

I am sure as things calm down for me today and I get a chance to catch my breath, the dread of the holiday will start looming over me. I am however keeping myself busy today preparing my basket for the hospital. I had a wonderful friend make blankets and then a few others have made sweet treats for the staff. I will add pics on here once they are done.

Snow

I woke up this morning to snow! I know I may be crazy, but I LOVE the first few snow falls of the season. There is something so beautiful about the big flakes as they fall through the sky and gently land on the trees. My commute is less than a minute, but I just loved driving through the snow covered streets this morning admiring the beauty of it all. Now, I do admit that once February rolls around, my love of snow has diminished greatly! But, this winter signifies a new season, a new beginning for us- not exactly the one we planned, but we will have to hope that this winter we can create new plans and dreams. I did start the process of decorating for Christmas this weekend. I do love the decorating and I figured if I worked my way into it slowly it might be slightly less painful- although I didn't really start making memories of garland in my head, so that was a lot easier to handle! Going to cut down the tree will be a totally different story.

The view from my window at work!

Thanks to my prayer warriors for the sending me love this weekend. It was definitely a rough one not only for me, but for a lot of my personal friends and my blogger friends who have lost infants. I ask that you remember all of us in your prayers. A good friend reminded me of the song Bring the Rain by Selah-

bring THEM joy, Bring THEM peace, bring THEM anything that brings YOU Glory.........

sadly enough there are a lot of us out there that are suffering through infant loss (I just read another one in the local paper today) I hope that we can all find Joy and Peace at this moment.

When...

Have you ever had a smell, a sound, a word, or a song that instantly triggers so many memories- good or bad? I have been in denial thinking that it has been 4 months and those triggers wouldn't affect me like they did in the beginning. I was really in denial this week when I thought getting past the dreaded due date would make everything better. A friend told me that instead of saying I would be 8 months pregnant, now I will just say the girls would be 1 week, 2 months, 1 year old..... So, my question is when does it get better??? When will I be able to hear or smell something that reminds me of the pregnancy, the birth and all that occured in those 5 months and not become an emotional basket case?? Don't get me wrong, I do have good days and they definitely outwiegh the bad. But every once in a while I still have really bad ones. I guess I thought at this point the bad days would be less intense. I am realizing that I am in total denial!

I do have to say that Monday came and went and I didn't have the breakdown I expected. I think that was because so many of you were praying for us and I really appreciate that! I have been thinking a lot about the holidays this year and how bittersweet they will be for us. We love seeing family and celebrating, but this year the celebrations will be different for us and that is hard for me to wrap my arms around. I also have a good friend whose father is in the hospital and they got the news the other day that his health is dwindling and he may not be able to pull out of it this time. And, we are starting to think about trying again and have gone back to see the specialist and all of the emotions involved with infertility have come rushing back. So, in the middle of my sad night last night I wondered how much a person can really deal with at one time? I know everyone says that God does not give you more than you can handle. I often held on to that when we were trying to get pregnant because there were times I thought I really couldn't keep going. Now I think of trying again with all of those fears, possibly dealing with the loss of a man that I grew up with and was like a father to me, while all the time remembering Brooke and Alexcyn. I keep sending the message to God that I think I am full now- I don't think I can handle anymore at this point-- I am not sure if He is listening!

So, sorry for this really random post. I know you all say you want me to be totally honest with how I am doing and today this is it! I will end with a quote from one of my fav shows e.r. Thursdays episode was especially emotional because it was about a child dying. The mother of the child said this quote to someone who said they didn't know what to say other than they were sorry for her loss. She replied, "When your parents are gone you're an orphan. A spouse dies you are a widow or widower but when you lose your baby... there are no words for that."

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayers, cards, emails, meals and gifts over the last few days. It was a tough weekend for us, but it was made easier knowing that you were lifting us up. We had a great time away and found that being someplace other than home helped the day to go a little easier.

I hope you all have your speakers on because I have added a few of my favorite Christmas tunes. If you know me well, you know that I am already listening to Christmas in July - it is my absolute favorite "season" of the year. This year will be a little different for us because there were so many things we had planned for our new family. But, that has not stopped me from enjoying the music of the season. Hope you enjoy my favorite selections as much as I do!

November 10

November 10 will always be a day of rememberance for us. This is the day that we are reminded of the 3 children that we lost. In 2007, we had an early miscarriage sometime between 6 and 8 weeks. That baby was due on November 10. When we got pregnant in 2008, I knew it was within days of the other baby. I was shocked when Dr Y said the due date was November 10. Jason and Dr Y joked about how we could only get pregnant one time of year. To this day, Jason still refers to me as a duck! On the ride home that day of our first ultrasound with the twins, Jason and I were obviously in shock that we were expecting twins, but just felt blessed. We felt that God wanted to "make up" for the baby we had lost the year before and blessed us with two.

We are headed up north to get away, so I will not be here on Monday. I wanted to post this video that I made in honor of the girls on their due date. It does have pictures of Brooke and as I have mentioned before, she was very bruised, but we thought she couldn't be more beautiful. I decided it was time I finally shared her pictures with all of you. I treasure every picture that I have of this experience- good or bad. And I have no idea what I would do if the nurses had not taken all of these for us. I hope you all enjoy this video in honor of Brooke and Alexcyn.

I had a lot of technical difficulties getting this video on here! It was as if someone did not want me to post this today! I did finally get it to go through on You Tube, but the sound was kind of crackly, so I apologize. You can also check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypBWlehk6_Q

Our dear Alexcyn...

Alexcyn,

You were our surprise miracle baby. At our 6 week ultrasound, we were so excited to hear a heartbeat. We thought the ultrasound was complete and then suddenly Dr Young said wait a minute there is another one..... It was you, Baby B- you were hiding a bit, but once we found you, we heard your heart beating strong and our hearts were full of love for you. Once I knew that you were a girl, I referred to you as Mary Ann, in keeping with the Gilligan's Island theme of course! For years, we kept your name a secret from everyone. It had a great story and I couldn't wait to tell it to you some day, I just wish it were under different circumstances. In April of 2004, your dad and I sat on the deck of one of our favorite restaurants. Unfortunately, this time our beautiful view of the river was blocked by a megayacht. We were commenting on what a strange name it had. After a while, we looked at each other almost at the same moment and said, "that would be a great name for a girl." I wrote the name on the reciept form that night and from that moment on, we knew our daughter would be named Alexcyn. I kept that reciept in my wallet and have yet to take it out.

The night you were born is such a blur to me. Brooke was born quickly but you didn't come right after her. The drs were hopeful there was a chance you would actually stay in there for a while. I remember them telling me that every moment you stayed in there was so critical to your survival. We spent some time with Brooke and then suddenly the contractions started again and they were coming quickly- you decided that you didn't want to be in there without your sister. When you were born, there was a differnt feeling in the room. The NICU drs were rushing around and your dad was over with you for a bit and then suddenly you were gone. You were a fighter and they rushed you to your new home in the Neonatal unit.

Your dad and I spent every minute of the next three days we could with you. I will never forget seeing you on that Saturday morning. I put my hand in the incubator and your little fingers grabbed my finger and I knew I was finally a mom. I will forever cherish the feeling of your fingers wrapped around mine. The nurses would comment that you knew I was there because your numbers would stabalize when I touched you. Your dad was so strong during those days. He would listen to the drs and nurses talk about your stats and diagnosis, while all I could do was look at you. You were so beautiful. You looked like me =) - you had my fingers and toes and sad to say you had my nose!

Your dad and I discussed what we would do when the diagnosis came back that you had blood on your brain. We prayed about it a lot and decided to leave everything in God's hands. On Monday the drs came in and told us that the second round of tests came back worse. There was most likely no way you would survive and if you did, it would be a really long road and your quality of life would be very poor. We had to make the decision to let you go. We called Pastor Frank, wrapped you in the blanket your great grandma knitted for you, and had you baptized that afternoon. For months I had dreamed of the day you would be baptised-- it had nothing to do with the family standing over an incubator in the NICU unit.

As the day went on, your numbers started getting worse. At one point I was alone with you and you were struggling so much. I was afraid that you were going to leave us before we got to kiss you goodbye. The last moments with you were so bittersweet. We finally got to hold you and kiss you, but it was during your last breaths. We spent a lot of time with you in our arms that evening and took many pictures that we will cherish forever.

I miss you so much it hurts. I hate that I will never get to see your eyes or enjoy your smile.
Although there are so many things I will never experience with you, I feel blessed that I had 3 glorious days with you and I will never let those go. Your short life tought me what it feels like to be a mother and that was something I longed for all my life. I know that you are happy in heaven with your sister and I can't wait until the day that we can hold you in our arms again.

Mommy and Daddy








The Alexcyn

A letter to our daughter Brooke...

In honor of our due date coming up on November 10, I thought I would write a letter to each of our daughters.

Brooke,

At 6 weeks, we found out we were pregnant with twins. We were definitely in shock and went through all of the OMG moments. I will never forget that the first thing your dad said was that we had to sell the boat! From that day on, you were named Baby A. At 17 weeks when I found out that you were a girl, I nicknamed you Ginger. I wanted something to call you so I didn't give away your real name and thought I would make it funny. Your dad was actually the one that picked out your name, Brooke. At first I wasn't so sure about it. All I kept thinking of was the Garbage Pail Kid card- Babbling Brooke. Over the next few weeks, I spent night after night looking through the baby name books and found myself constantly going back to Brooke. I suppose I did like it after all!

You were the one that I felt kick first. Even your dad got to feel a kick only a few days before you were born. You were also the one that was sitting on my bladder and contributed to a well worn path between me and the bathroom!

When my water broke, my heart broke. After being in the hospital for a while, we realized that it was your water that broke, You spent 48 hours in my belly with no protection at all. The night of July 18 when you were born, your skin was so dry, flaky and bruised, but we thought you were so beautiful. Your birth happened so fast. I hadn't even been to my birthing class yet and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. There was no time for medication, and I remember the feeling of you being born. It was very painful, but more emotionally than anything else. I knew that you would have a long road ahead of you if you survived.

Your dad was the first person to hold you. I remember looking over and seeing the look on his face. It was a mix of sadness and excitement- he was finally a dad! That moment will remain forever in my memory. I was so sad when they gave you to me to hold. That meant that there was nothing they could do for you and they wanted you to take your last breaths in your mom and dads arms. I had pictured the moment the dr handed you to us after your birth and this was not how it was supposed to be. We held you in our arms as long as we could. We took pictures of you that I cherish every day. We had the family come in and meet you as well as Pastor Mark and Pastor Frank. They both prayed for you as you left this world. You were our miracle, our Gift from God. We loved you from the moment we saw those two pink lines. I would do anything to have you back in my belly and have your brithday be next Monday. Not a day goes by that we don't think of you. We love you so much and miss you with all of our hearts.

Mommy and Daddy

Weekend

We actually had a really fun time this weekend. We paticipated in a Halloween scavenger hunt and then Saturday we were blessed with a fabulous evening out on our friends. We are so thankful to all of our family and friends who are helping to make this difficult time a little easier on us.

Kyla and Brinae stop by every year to trick or treat at our house. This year we ran out of candy and had to take some from Jasmine aka Kyla's bag to give out!

This picture is for my friend Angela. When I told her I was pregnant, she commented on how I can now stop dressing up my cat! Sorry to say Angela, but here I am tormenting poor Jasper again!