Soap Operas

Back in the day, I was a soap opera junkie. I would tape General Hospital and Days of our Lives and watch them everyday. I subscribed to the magazines, I had pictures of the actors all over my walls, I even kept tapes of my favorite episodes- I was totally obsessed! Thankfully, I have moved on from that phase in my life. I still do catch a show every once in a while and it amazes me that the same characters are still on and they are dealing with the same issues that they were 10 years ago. Last night, I sat back and pondered my life and everything that has happened over the last few years and I felt like I was living in my own soap opera. I am guessing you all have watched one at some point in your lives and I am sure you all have experienced the Friday cliffhanger. Something dramatic and tragic always happens on a Friday because they want to keep your interest over the weekend. The problem will then be resolved on Monday and then a new one arises just in time for the next Friday. Well, right now I feel like I am stuck in a Friday cliffhanger that just can't quite make it to the Monday resolution. I feel like I have had these tragic things happen in my life and everything in my life has stopped moving forward yet everyone else's lives have moved on to Monday.

It is no secret that we want a baby more than anything in life. We were hoping for a miracle baby that could be conceived on its own. After a few months of trying, I have decided that I need to be realistic- it is just not going to happen that way for us. So, here we are stuck in our Friday cliffhanger trying to get pregnant again and just not knowing if we will ever get to that Monday where we find out our prayers have been answered. We are back to taking temperatures and ovulation tests, back to schedules and appointments. We are moving backward while everyone else is moving forward. And the pain is intensified this time because we have felt what it is like to be parents and we long to have that feeling again.

This week has been difficult for me because I have had a couple friends tell me they were pregnant. The announcements came in the most gentle way and with so much respect for my feelings, but they still bring tears to my eyes and my heart. Tears for the baby I never got to know, tears for the babies I held in my arms yet have no more, tears for all of the temperatures I have to take, tears for the ovulation tests, appointments and blood work that I have to go through to get pregnant.... So, as you can probably tell, I am having another pity party for myself. I am frustrated and angry that I have to go through all of this crap while others seem to just get pregnant. Not saying that they are not deserving of children, but when is it my turn?? When do we just get pregnant? When do we get to announce that we are pregnant?

So, here I am again asking for prayers- I feel like that is all I ever do anymore! At this moment, I am in conversation with God about all of these emotions, but feel like my anger is preventing me from praying. Please say a prayer today that I can get past this saddness and have my hope restored. Please also say a prayer of thanks for my wonderful friends who thought of me and my feelings when announcing their exciting news- I feel so blessed to be surrounded by people that care so much.