Today I am praying for Marla. She is a co-worker of mine who experienced a loss through miscarraige over 30 years ago. The sad part is that even though it was a long time ago, there is still a part of your heart that never forgets.
Today I am also struggling with so many things. I am throwing myself a little pity party. I lay awake last night and for the first time in a long time, I started reliving every moment from the second my water broke to the minute that Jason got to the hospital to the ambulance ride to Spectrum to the delivery of my two precious angels. My heart just ached last night as I thought of everything that happened. And now today I am feeling sorry for myself and I know that is horrible but that is where I am and I am asking for prayers to get me through this day. It seems like lately all I have seen are perfect families with perfect little children and perfect pregnancies and I just get angry that I can't have that. I don't understand why I have to suffer and struggle so much for something that some women don't even blink an eye over. I hear stories of teenagers putting babies in the dumpster because they don't want them. I wonder how my God allows them a child and not me. I look at the changing of the season right now and think of all the things I should be doing to prepare for my babies arrival and instead I am awaiting the arrival of their grave marker. I have truly been blessed with so many other things like a wonderful husband, a house that only occasionally leaks=), a family that would do anything for me and don't forget my 20 lb cat Jasper who cuddles when he knows I need it. It is days like this that I need to constantly remind myself of those things so that I don't fall into a bitter hole of depression, anger and resentment that is so easy to do in this situation. Please pray that I can find a way out of this pity party.
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Krista - never say that it is horrible to "feel sorry for yourself" - you have every right to feel this way... I will lift you up in prayer - that you will make it through this hard day - I am sorry you are struggling today - your post brought tears to my eyes because you and I share a lot of the same thoughts and feelings - please know you are always in my heart.. my thoughts.. and prayers!! With love! ~ Kim
ReplyDeleteKrista- you are in my thoughts and prayers... you have every right to have decent days and really bad days. Don't feel guilty about those times... God is with you during it all. I can't tell you I understand why things are the way they are... I often wonder the same things about babies who are so unwanted and then parents who so want children and why the balance doesn't seem fair... I guess we'll never know that... but I know that God has a plan for you and Jason. I will pray that the path for you two will be cleared soon... until then, know how many people think of you and pray for you...
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