Infertility tips of the day, again from the Resolve website. I do want to clarify that I am putting these on here in a way to help others to know what to say. Unfortunately, I have heard these things myself. If you said these things to me, I have forgiven you. I said them myself before I understood. I just hope that you embrace these posts and remember them next time you are confronted with infertility.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
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I completely understand what you are saying. I did fertility treatments to get preg, with my twins that I lost a month ago and I have heard bad comments as well. You have said it so well, thanks.
ReplyDeleteTiffany
You are right. I can't imagine I was ever this naive before the pain of infertility and losing my son. But I might have been. If just one person can learn something from you posting these clips...than that saves at least one other person from the pain. I'm so sorry you lost your beautiful girls. And I'm SOO sorry you had to deal with infertility first. Me too. I know how much this sucks. =(
ReplyDeleteI stumbled across your blog by mistake, but I am so glad I did. I am a mom in Indiana and I struggled with infertility for four years before finally conceiving in July 2005. The pregnancy ended shorty in miscarriage, and I heard all of those comments. "Maybe God has other plans for your life." It was very hurtful and after once again picking up on fertility treatments, we once again found out we were pregnant. This time we carried to full term and she is the joy of our lives. I have had a miscarriage since, but I find comfort in knowing Jesus is holding our little ones. Thank you for writing from your heart and sharing your story. I have been praying for you every day.
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