random Easter thoughts...

Easter week, five years ago....

My parents were out of town so we drove down there, snuck into their house and placed baby items all around.  Baby bottles in the cupboard, baby socks in the sock drawer, baby spoons mixed in with the silverware, baby shampoo in the bathroom and finally a frame of our ultrasound picture mixed in with all the family pictures. For these babies we have prayed.....

Easter Sunday I remember being so sick that I picked at my dinner to make it appear that I was eating all the while wanting to run to the bathroom to throw up.  Morning sickness had hit me hard.  After we ate, we gave our nieces easter baskets with framed pictures of the ultrasound with the word cousin underneath them.  They were too young to read and my B&SIL ended up leaving town that weekend so that left grandma and grandpa to read the frame to the girls.  Tears of happiness flowed down all of our faces when it finally sunk in.  So many prayers were answered in that moment.

Later that day we announced it to the rest of J's family and then my family called when they got home and instantly saw the picture frame.  More tears.  More answered prayers.

Writing this, I can still feel the utter, deep down in your heart happiness of those moments. The tears still flow at the thought of how happy we all were. How we believed that God had finally given us the desires of our hearts.


Easter week 2013...

I am still coming to grips that all of that occurred five years ago.  Some days it seems like just yesterday and others, it seems like the memories are slipping through my fingers.

I ran into a fellow baby loss momma at church the other day.  We talked about how long it had been since we said goodbye to our angels and then she said something to me that shocked me.  She lost her son to stillbirth and she mentioned that if she had gone through what we did, she wasn't sure her faith would have survived.  I looked at her inquisitively.  She explained that when she found out something was wrong, her son had already passed away.  When we found out something was wrong, we went through days of waiting to see if my pregnancy would be strong enough to hold on a couple weeks and then we waited to see if Alexcyn would be strong enough to survive her premature birth.  Days that people covered us in more prayers than we will ever know.  So many prayers going out to God to protect the pregnancy and then to bring healing and strength to Alexcyn.  So many prayers that went unanswered.  She said knowing that God chose to let all those prayers go unanswered would have killed her faith.

Honestly, I had never looked at it that way before.  In the beginning I took life day by day and spent many hours conversing/yelling at God wondering how He could do this to people who wanted a baby so badly.  Many questions went unanswered but somehow, as time went on, I felt my conversations with God shift from anger to hope for a better future to acceptance of all that happened.  I will never, ever, ever say I understand but I accept what we went through and know that I am a stronger person mentally and spiritually than I was five years ago. 

I think about the girls every day but I don't get the overwhelming sad days/weeks that I used to.  Every once in a while though one of those days sneaks up and surprises me.  Unfortunately, this past week has brought me into another slump where I find myself in cahoots with God.  I am currently struggling with why He gives to some and takes away from others.  I just don't understand and although I know I never will, sometimes I just need to vent it out to Him so He knows how much it hurts.

I guess I am just ready for this Easter week to be over.  I mean, there really is nothing positive about sitting in church surrounded by adorable little girls in their dresses while looking at "your little girls"  aka the Easter Lily in front of church you bought in honor of them.   I know I will survive this bit of sadness. I know that times like these will happen to me for the rest of my life.  So,  I will take our Easter Lily home on Sunday and plant it in the garden, I will fight with God about what doesn't seem fair to me, I will shed some tears and then I will pick myself back up and go on with life like normal.   And at the end of all of it, my faith will remain because really, without the Hope that He gave me, my arms wouldn't be full of two squirmy little boys that I love more than words can say. 

Ten on Wednesday

1.  I am currently checking my email, starting my blog post and playing on FB while sitting in the bathroom.  Apparently this is the only place my children won't come looking for me!  If I sit at the desk, Ashton climbs onto my lap then off of my lap, then back on my lap then opens the junk drawer, takes stuff out and throws it all over the kitchen and tries to stuff it down the register vent.  And, I am banned from taking it into the living room due to what happened last time I may or may not have left it on the couch:)  No worries, Jason is out in the living room with them.

2.  Grant threw up once Wednesday and acted fine the rest of the day.  J stayed home with him on Thursday just to be sure he was ok.  Good thing because he started throwing up in the afternoon.  He was fine Friday until afternoon and then the poor thing threw up 10 times.  I felt so bad for him.  I have bleached this house top to bottom, done more laundry than I think I have done in my entire life, opened the windows when it is only 30 outside and I have even bought new toothbrushes.  This bug needs to leave our house NOW!

3. Ashton has become a little handful.  Ever since he had sprite when he had the flu, he is refusing to drink anything but sprite.  He finally gives in by the end of the day because we don't give it to him, but it is a constant battle all day long including many attempts of throwing himself on the floor in a full out tantrum.  He also went from eating everything one day to nothing the next day.  He spits out all his food at meal time and then gets down and goes right to the pantry for a snack.  Stinker.

 4.  My little helpers.  They actually cleaned the whole floor.  Too bad I had already done it.  Note for next time: set them up with mop and pine sol and let them go!

5.  Ashton has started talking like crazy.  He repeats almost everything you say and has started a few phrases.  His favorites are "A en Nol no no" (Ashton Nowell no no), "mo nanas peas" (more bananas please) and "hee go" (here ya go).  Lucky for us he has also started saying mine.  So, the referee aspect of parenting has officially begun.

6. On Sunday we were so burned out from being stuck inside.  It was too cold to go out and no one wanted us in their house so we took a family trip to Costco.  It was the perfect place to let Ashton run through the aisles and burn some energy.  Grant rode in the cart the majority of the time because he was still really weak.  He was thrilled to come home with "little chicken samwhiches" though.  The Tyson microwave chicken samis are his absolute favorite.  My favorites are the pineapples and bag of avacados.  My mother loves the Boudins sourdough bread.  What is your Costco must have?

7. Have you seen The Bible on The History Channel?  If you have, what do you think?  If you haven't, you really should take some time to watch it.  We are faithful Amazing Race watchers so we had to do catch up on Sunday afternoon.  I did not grow up in Christian school like everyone in this town and I was only an occasional church goer so being surrounded by people who grew up studying these stories is quite intimidating for me.  I have tried to listen to The Bible on CD, but I am much more of a visual learner so I am thrilled with this awesome opportunity to put a visual spin on all the important stories of The Bible.

8.  I just finished season 2 of Downton Abbey.  So good.  Kinda sad to think there is only one more season for me to catch up on.

9. Ashton has decided that sleep is overrated.  He has taken a 45 minute nap the last few days, is waking up at least once a night and wants to start his day at 6:30.  This tired momma is really looking forward to a sleep in day on Friday and Saturday!

10.  Blessing of the week:  seeing Grant come back to life after the flu.  It was scary there for a while after watching him throw up for 3 days in a row.  His poor little body is skinnier than before and he can barely eat two bites without being full, but it is so nice to see him have energy again.

Ten on Tuesday

1.  On Saturday, we headed out to eat to one of our favorite spots.  We had to wait for a few minutes.  As we were standing there with all the other people, Ashton walked over to a random grandpa, put his hands up like he wanted to be picked up and the guy actually picked him up.  I just about died.  How exactly do you teach stranger danger to a 16 month old that has no.fear.of.anything?

2.  As Grant was ordering his dinner, the waiter asked if he wanted fries or apple slices.  He actually chose apple slices and ate them before he even touched his chicken fingers.  Proud momma moment.

3.  A few minutes into eating and Ashton grabbed my hand and wouldn't let go.  I couldn't figure out what he was doing.  When I asked him what he wanted he said a-men.  Nothing like being reminded from your 16 month old that you forgot to pray.

4.  The other day I made the mistake of pressing the back button on my profile picture. My first ever profile pic was taken on my 30th birthday vacation to Punta Cana.  Two observations were made....1- I can't believe I actually let Jason talk me into growing my hair out long.  It looked hideous.  2.  I can't believe I have wasted 6 years of my life on Facebook.

5.  Experiencing a bit of de ja vu this week.  We were minutes away from leaving for church on Sunday and Ashton started whining.  I trusted my intuition and decided to stay home with him.  Not 20 minutes later did he throw up all over me.  5 times.  I would have been horrified if we got called out of church because Ashton threw up all over nursery.  He proceeded to have the exact same flu he had two weeks before.  Needless to say, I have been cleaning like crazy.  Thank God the rest of us haven't gotten it again.

6.  Being stuck inside for 4 days straight is starting to make me go nuts.

7.  Since I have a lot of time on my hands, I decided to start pricing items for our garage sale in April.  It took me forever to go through the newborn clothes.  They brought back so many good memories.  I wanted to keep them all. 

outfit Grant wore home from the hospital. 

8.  Side note:  I am a horrible garage sale pricer.  I price with my heart and not with my head.  I will probably have to go back and reprice everything before the sale.

9.  Grant drew his first person the other day.  Up until now, he has drawn a lot of lines, a few circles and occasionally something he claims is a G.  I couldn't have been more proud when he brought me his picture the other day of daddy.  Apparently Grant sees daddy as a tall, slender man with a big smile and a lot of hair-even on his feet!  I love this kid.

10.  Blessing of the week:  a good neighbor.  When we moved to this rental house, I was totally dreading it.  The location is not ideal in my book and I was so nervous that I wouldn't feel safe with our neighbors.  Right away we got to know our neighbor to the right of us.  She is a single mother with two daughters and she has been amazing.  On Sunday, she brought us homemade apple pie and kept Grant at her house for a few hours while we rested with Ashton.  She has been such a blessing and has made this transition so much easier for me.  I am so thankful for her!

1.  Ok, so this tummy bug is really starting to annoy me.  A week later and I am still trying to get over being exhausted and nauseous. A few times this past week I have actually put Ashton to bed and then tucked myself in.  At 8 oclock.  Jason and Grant were still awake.  I couldn't tell you a time I have ever done that before.  Needless to say, I have been totally discombobulated and have no idea what day it is and just found out it is actually March now.

2.  L was the letter of the week in our house.  Lots and Lots and Lots and Lots of Laundry, Lysol and Lysol wipes.  A little spring cleaning you might say.

3.  Jason has taken to calling Ashton Linus due to his new found attachment to his blankies.  He loves these two blakines and carries them around wherever he goes.  I am a little concerned because these are from Grant and we have no backup!

4.  I read this on another blog and thought it was so true.....  if you want to know what someone is afraid of losing – watch what they photograph.

5.  I am so afraid of forgetting how cute and fun the boys are right now.  Their passion for life is something I don't want to ever forget.  Especially when they grow to be teenage boys.  I always try to capture the perfect picture but have recently decided that capturing everyday moments IS capturing the perfect picture.  Years from now, I want to look back at pictures of the boys in the moment rather than having a perfect smile on their face.  Hence the following pictures I tried to capture on Sunday after church that I just love because this is our everyday.

6.  Grant was pouting because he did not want to sit for a picture.  Ashton was going with the flow as long as he could hold onto the mini screwdriver seen in his hand.

7.  Then Grant decided that he would smile as long as he was able to hurt Ashton in the process.  Typical everyday occurrence.

 

8.  Then finally I get the perfect picture.....Grant actually showing love to Ashton by protecting him from falling off the fireplace stoop.  This does not happen often in our house so to capture it, is perfect!  (He wasn't actually falling btw, he was too busy chewing on his toy.)

 

9.  Hard to believe, but it was a year ago that we sold our house.  Just the other day, Grant asked when we could go back to our regular house.  Broke my heart a little to think that he remembered it (down to his blue room) and that when we move out of our current house, it will be that much harder on him to leave. 

10.  Blessing of the week:  fun opportunities to get out of the house.  A local church has an indoor playground that you can take your kids to at no cost.  It can be crazy full of kids, but it is a great way to get out that winter energy when you are sick of playing outside in the freezing cold.  Also, we enjoyed a play date with my moms group at Deanna's Playhouse- an AWESOME place to take kids to work off large amounts of energy.  You do pay for this experience, but it is SO worth it when you see how much fun your kids are having!