We have a date

After a little begging and of course a few tears, I got an earlier date for my surgery!!!! Next Tuesday, January 6 is the day. I will be having a hysteroscopy- it is a pretty routine outpatient surgery and I should only miss two days of work. My fertility specialist will be the one performing the surgery- the same one that did my laparoscopy last year so I am confident that he will be able to get in there and figure out what is going on and fix it. Once I have the surgery, I will be put on estrogen pills for 4 weeks to aid in the healing and then we should get the green light to start again. Thanks for all of your prayers regarding this situation. It has been a rough few days here for us with this news and a few other things we weren't quite expecting. But, we will carry on and not let this get us down. Thanks for all of the prayer pages as well- they definitely add a light in these dark days. A few people have asked for a reminder on the number, so here it is again- 616.772.0110.

Also, I have added my new theme song for your enjoyment. On our due date, I received a CD entitled Valley Songs- it was given to me by a friend who had lost her daughter a year before. I absolutely love the CD and my favorite song is number 5 - Beauty From Pain by the Superchicks. I have found myself saying the lyrics over and over the last few days almost as a prayer that I will find beauty from this pain someday. I hope you turn your mute off and listen- it really is a great song.

"Beauty From Pain"

The lights go out all around me

One last candle to keep out the night

And then the darkness surrounds me

I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over

My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made

I try to keep warm but i just grow colder

I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me

The best i can do is just get through the day

When life before is only a memory

I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though i can't understand why this happened

I know that i will when i look back someday

And see how you've brought beauty from ashes

And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me

Tryin to hold to what i can't seeI forgot how to hope

This night's been so long

I cling to Your promise

There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain

After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain

Though it won't be today,

Someday i'll hope again

And there'll be beauty from pain

You will bring beauty from my pain

Quick update

I finally got a call back from the drs office and I won't be having the surgery this Wednesday because they are booked. Right now it looks like it will be January 14. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but it never is!!!

When it rains....

it pours... and floods our basement. Yes, even though it is December, our basement has once again flooded. We woke up yesterday to thunder and lightning and should have known to just stay in bed. Instead, I went to a dr appt at our fertility specialist. We were getting ready to start our first cycle of FSH injections since the girls were born. I went in for a 15 minute screening ultrasound and ended up spending 3 hours there and having a hysterosalpingogram done. Thet end result- I have a calcification in my uterus that needs to be removed right away. They are not sure what it is, it could be leftover from birth of the girls, it could be a conception that didn't last, it could be scar tissue. Whatever it is, it is preventing me from getting pregnant and now I have to go in for a hysteroscopy (a simple outpatient surgery) to get it removed. As you can imagine, this news was not what I wanted to hear and it really sent my hope into a quick downward spiral. All I wanted was for a quick appt that said I was ready to start again, yet here I sit waiting and wallowing in the why me again scenario. And, did I mention that our basement flooded again??????!!!! Luckily, we were prepared and had an action plan for when this happened again- we rolled up the carpet and let the water flow in. So, if you have a few extra prayers today, we could use some!

Please pray that the surgery would be able to be scheduled this Wednesday because I have this week off and wouldn't have to miss more work.

Please pray that Jason would be able to get the day off to go with me.

Please pray that our hope and fight for a baby will remain strong and not be affected by this news.

Please pray that the water stops flowing into the basement!

Phew......

it is over! We survived Christmas! I always say that the aniticipation leading up to an event is often worse than the event itself, but this day proved me wrong. I will not kid you, it was hard. We attended a Christmas Eve candelight service and the minute they turned those lights out and all of the candles were glowing and they started singing silent night, I was a mess! The morning went well, but I felt so empty. I kept opening presents thinking they would fill the emptiness I had in my heart, but that was silly- I was longing for something that no one can give me and the realization of that hit hard. We made sure to spend some time at the cemetery in between our two parties yesterday. It was so heartbreaking to be there. A cemetery is just not the place we thought we would be on Christmas. Once home after the family gatherings were over, I just calapsed. I was exhausted mentally and physicaly and I finally had some quiet time to reflect on everything and I was just plain sad. I do want to thank the few of you that prayed for us yesterday. We heard the pager go off a couple times and that sound was wonderful to hear. There is nothing quite like knowing someone is out there lifting you up when you are down. I know that the people that read this blog vary from friends, family members, new bloggy friends, church family, co-workers and more. I know that some of you are dealing with cancer, life altering illness, heartbreak, grief and like me, just plain old sadness. I hope that you all felt the prayers that I was showering over you yesterday and that you all woke up today feeling a little better.

I do have a prayer request for a bloggy friend of mine who is getting ready to deliver her baby boy Dylan James any day now. Dylan was diagnosed at 20 weeks as having Trisomy 18. It is most likely that he will pass away soon after birth. Nicole has been so strong in her faith through this whole experience. She has been an inspiration to many women and I just pray for her as she prepares for this day in her life- they day she says hello and goodbye to her precious baby boy.

Christmas Blessings

This month has been a roller coaster of ups and downs for me. I love everything about the Christmas season- I start playing the music in July, I start shopping in August and I can barely wait until Thanksgiving to put up my decorations. This year has been slightly different. The music, the decorations and the crowded malls just aren't fulfilling me this year.... something is missing. I should be dressing my girls up in their Christmas dresses and figuring out how to balance holiday festivities in between breast feeding two little girls. We should be packing up the car with strollers and diaper bags and celebrating all of our blessings with our families. Unfortunately, those blessings have changed since July. Instead of being blessed with beautiful baby girls in our arms, we are blessed with beautiful reminders of our babies short lives. Here is a sample of the fabulous gifts we have been given to remember Brooke and Alexcyn this Christmas.

The grandmas made two miniture princess trees in memory of the girls- they are so cute!

This was a gift from Jason's brother and his wife. You can imagine the tears that flowed when we opened this last night!

There are so many of us out there that are suffering a loss. Not just a loss of a life, but loss of hope, dreams and plans for the future. I know many people that are currently suffering from illness, heartbreak and grief. Christmas will not be the same for them this year. Please say a prayer for everyone you know that is celebrating Christmas a little differently than they thought they would. My prayer is that everyone that is suffering will have a peace surround them tomorrow and that we will all find a renewed hope in celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. Merry Christmas to all of you!!

"For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord" Luke 2:11

42 Days!!!

Today we woke up to this.....

IN

42 Days
1029 Hours
61757 Minutes
3705442 Seconds

We will wake up to this.....

We wanted to get away in November, but it didn't work well with our work schedules. I wanted to escape for the holidays but Jason wanted nothing to do with that, so we are now going to celebrate our 5 year anniversary in......... Acapulco!!!!! We have been waiting for a last minute deal and finally found one! Yeah, something to look forward to in 2009!!!!!!

Christmas Cards

I have never been one to send out photo cards at Christmas, but I love to get them. People always have the cutest pictures of their kids on them or the great travels that they went on that year and I always thought we might look pathetic by taking a picture of the two of us with our cat. In 2007, after receiving a number of photo cards from couples (and a few with their cats!) I decided 2008 was the year of the photo card for me. Of course, once I found out I was expecting twins in November, I threw out the whole thought of doing a Christmas card and had designed a birth announcement that would take its place. So, come October when I started thinking about Christmas cards (I know I am a freak about starting early!!), I wondered how I could possibly design a card that summed up our year in a positive way. So, for all of you who did not get the card in the mail, here it is........ hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Sorry it didn't come out as clear as I had hoped! The bottom part says... Wherever you go, Whatever you do, May angels watch over you.

My new office!

I thought it was time I post something a little more uplifting, so here are pics of my new office! I work in a small non-profit that until Friday was run out of 1 room in a church building. We were able to use other rooms during the day, but ultimately, we ran a staff of 5 employees and 30+ volunteers out of one room. There were no cubes or little walls seperating us, so needless to say it got to be very hectic in there at times!!!! Here is a picture after we moved out all of the desks...

Now, here is my new desk in my own office with my own walls and my own door!!! I love how homey and warm it feels in there. Although, I did get yelled at today by our volunteer optometrist because I am using lambs and not the flourscent lights and that is bad for my eyes.... little does he know that I already ruin my eyes by not wearing my glasses anyways!

Isn't it fabulous!!!!!!!!!

Tip of the Day

Last night we went to a Christmas party for the neighborhood that we own a lot in. We didn't know anyone there and were excited to get to know our new neighbors. Unfortunately, when you are surrounded by people that you don't know, you are inevitably going to be asked the eternal question, "Do you have any kids?" Now, I don't know about your neck of the woods, but where we live, it is pretty much expected that you get married and reproduce- so this is the first question people ask you. I remember dreading this question when we were trying to get pregnant because people expect you to have a family and they look at you strange when you tell them that you are 30 and no children . You get a number of responses from, "oh, I am sure you will have kids soon" to "it is nice to wait until you are ready" to "good for you for not rushing into a family." It always amazes me to hear the responses because not only do they assume that I want children, but they assume that all I have to do is make a decision that we are ready and poof, a pregnant belly will appear!


Problem is that now, we technically do have children; they are just in heaven. So, how the heck are you supposed to answer that question???? You don't want to embarrass the person who asked by saying, "yes we had children but they passed away this summer." That would make an uncomfortable moment for everyone! But, Brooke and Alexcyn are a large part of our lives and I feel horrible dismissing them by saying "no, we don't have any children." So, my tip of the day is when you meet someone new, don't immediately ask them if they have children. Most likely, if they do have children, they will come up in conversation and then it will be ok to discuss their family further. There are currently 2.1 million couples that are suffering from infertily and for every 1000 people, there are 6.8 babies that die as infants. That means that you will most likely encounter an infertile couple or a couple who has lost a child at a Christmas party this season. I ask you to please consider this tip when meeting new people- you could really make a positive impact on their night if you just avoid that question!

Also, I wanted to mention a prayer request for someone from my church who has been an inspiration to me of how to lean on God and trust Him in difficult times. Her name is Kristi and I am not good with all the details, but she has cancer and was in remission and just recently she found out that the cancer is possibly back. She goes in for another appt on Dec 17 to find out if she must begin a more aggressive chemo again. As I read her blog this morning, I couldn't help but cry because I am exactly where she is... feeling down and struggling with so many questions. Here is an excerpt from her blog- you can click on her name above to go to her blog. If you have a lot of time on your hands, I would highly recommend it- she has been such an inspiration to me and has really shined a light in all of our lives.

Have you ever been so down you didn't know how you would get back up? How about put on a smile when all you wanted to do was cry? Told someone you were fine when really you weren't? Wondered if God really cared? Lost hope? Been surrounded by people and yet felt completely alone? If you have, you're not alone. I've just described the past couple days of my life.


Please keep Kristi and her family in your prayers this week.

I'm here...

I can't believe it has been over a week since I posted! Last week I just wasn't up to writing anything. By the end of the week I had heard 6 pregnancy annoncements and I was feeling very down. I was angry at my situation, angry at my body and angry at God. I am less angry now, but have resigned to the fact that no matter what I do, this month is going to be hard. There are so many plans that I had for December- cutting down a tree, buying matching Christmas dresses, and celebrating all of our joys and blessings with our families. Now, I am left wondering what I have to celebrate and how exactly I am going to survive those family gatherings.

I am so thankful to have such wonderful family and friends who are here to pray for me and over me when I am just not feeling like doing it myself. After a tough couple of days, my co-workers actually prayed over me last week which was a wonderful and humbling experience. So, I wanted to quick check in and say I am still here and thank you so much for all of your kind words of encouragement.

Soap Operas

Back in the day, I was a soap opera junkie. I would tape General Hospital and Days of our Lives and watch them everyday. I subscribed to the magazines, I had pictures of the actors all over my walls, I even kept tapes of my favorite episodes- I was totally obsessed! Thankfully, I have moved on from that phase in my life. I still do catch a show every once in a while and it amazes me that the same characters are still on and they are dealing with the same issues that they were 10 years ago. Last night, I sat back and pondered my life and everything that has happened over the last few years and I felt like I was living in my own soap opera. I am guessing you all have watched one at some point in your lives and I am sure you all have experienced the Friday cliffhanger. Something dramatic and tragic always happens on a Friday because they want to keep your interest over the weekend. The problem will then be resolved on Monday and then a new one arises just in time for the next Friday. Well, right now I feel like I am stuck in a Friday cliffhanger that just can't quite make it to the Monday resolution. I feel like I have had these tragic things happen in my life and everything in my life has stopped moving forward yet everyone else's lives have moved on to Monday.

It is no secret that we want a baby more than anything in life. We were hoping for a miracle baby that could be conceived on its own. After a few months of trying, I have decided that I need to be realistic- it is just not going to happen that way for us. So, here we are stuck in our Friday cliffhanger trying to get pregnant again and just not knowing if we will ever get to that Monday where we find out our prayers have been answered. We are back to taking temperatures and ovulation tests, back to schedules and appointments. We are moving backward while everyone else is moving forward. And the pain is intensified this time because we have felt what it is like to be parents and we long to have that feeling again.

This week has been difficult for me because I have had a couple friends tell me they were pregnant. The announcements came in the most gentle way and with so much respect for my feelings, but they still bring tears to my eyes and my heart. Tears for the baby I never got to know, tears for the babies I held in my arms yet have no more, tears for all of the temperatures I have to take, tears for the ovulation tests, appointments and blood work that I have to go through to get pregnant.... So, as you can probably tell, I am having another pity party for myself. I am frustrated and angry that I have to go through all of this crap while others seem to just get pregnant. Not saying that they are not deserving of children, but when is it my turn?? When do we just get pregnant? When do we get to announce that we are pregnant?

So, here I am again asking for prayers- I feel like that is all I ever do anymore! At this moment, I am in conversation with God about all of these emotions, but feel like my anger is preventing me from praying. Please say a prayer today that I can get past this saddness and have my hope restored. Please also say a prayer of thanks for my wonderful friends who thought of me and my feelings when announcing their exciting news- I feel so blessed to be surrounded by people that care so much.