The dreaded date...

I was listening to NPR a few weeks ago and there was an author on there discussing his book about dealing with the loss of his son. He talked about grief and mourning and mentioned the dreaded date. He said every year at the same time he would start noticing his body and mind were in a different state. He would be restless, have sad thoughts and angry thoughts, would not be able to concentrate on anything, and just feel overwhelmed. This always occured in the month leading up to the dreaded date - his sons death.



I have the date November 10 creeping up in all of my thoughts lately. Yes, that was my due date and we are planning a weekend up north to get away for that day. But what I had kinda put in the back of my mind is that most likely, I would not have delivered twins on my actual due date. The DR had told me that if I made it that far, she would induce me the last week in October....that is next week. As I sit here and look back on my week, I realize I am getting the symptoms of the dreaded date. Last Saturday was a great day for me. I went shopping with a friend and got home and listened to a message from my mom that said she knew today was a hard day for me and she was thinking about me. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what she was talking about. Jason had to remind me that it was the 18th- it had been 3 months already since the girls were born. I was shocked that I had missed that, yet I thought maybe it meant I was healing and I felt ok about forgetting. Then came Monday where I started feeling a little uneasy and not sure what that was about. I woke up Tuesday in a panic state and again had no idea what it was from- I assumed it was a bad dream. Tuesday was crazy at work and I found it hard to concentrate, but chalked it up to a busy day. Yesterday I couldn't concentrate again and I had this feeling of being overwhelmed yet I was not that busy. I went home in tears and I couldn't figure out what was going on, then I realized.... next week is the last week in October. I should be delivering two precious girls next week. Right now, I should be laying on the couch with my swollen feet and my huge belly complaining that my back hurts. I should be folding crisp new onesies and finding places in my house to hide mountains of diapers. October was supposed to be the month of my babies birth. Instead it is the month that I remember that I have angel babies in heaven. So, instead of praying for someone else today, I am being a little selfish and praying for myself. I know that with each day that gets closer to Nov 10, it will get harder and sadder. Please pray that I can survive this time of the dreaded date and that God will take away my saddness and fill me with comfort and peace.