Christmas Blessings

This month has been a roller coaster of ups and downs for me. I love everything about the Christmas season- I start playing the music in July, I start shopping in August and I can barely wait until Thanksgiving to put up my decorations. This year has been slightly different. The music, the decorations and the crowded malls just aren't fulfilling me this year.... something is missing. I should be dressing my girls up in their Christmas dresses and figuring out how to balance holiday festivities in between breast feeding two little girls. We should be packing up the car with strollers and diaper bags and celebrating all of our blessings with our families. Unfortunately, those blessings have changed since July. Instead of being blessed with beautiful baby girls in our arms, we are blessed with beautiful reminders of our babies short lives. Here is a sample of the fabulous gifts we have been given to remember Brooke and Alexcyn this Christmas.

The grandmas made two miniture princess trees in memory of the girls- they are so cute!

This was a gift from Jason's brother and his wife. You can imagine the tears that flowed when we opened this last night!

There are so many of us out there that are suffering a loss. Not just a loss of a life, but loss of hope, dreams and plans for the future. I know many people that are currently suffering from illness, heartbreak and grief. Christmas will not be the same for them this year. Please say a prayer for everyone you know that is celebrating Christmas a little differently than they thought they would. My prayer is that everyone that is suffering will have a peace surround them tomorrow and that we will all find a renewed hope in celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. Merry Christmas to all of you!!

"For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord" Luke 2:11

42 Days!!!

Today we woke up to this.....

IN

42 Days
1029 Hours
61757 Minutes
3705442 Seconds

We will wake up to this.....

We wanted to get away in November, but it didn't work well with our work schedules. I wanted to escape for the holidays but Jason wanted nothing to do with that, so we are now going to celebrate our 5 year anniversary in......... Acapulco!!!!! We have been waiting for a last minute deal and finally found one! Yeah, something to look forward to in 2009!!!!!!

Christmas Cards

I have never been one to send out photo cards at Christmas, but I love to get them. People always have the cutest pictures of their kids on them or the great travels that they went on that year and I always thought we might look pathetic by taking a picture of the two of us with our cat. In 2007, after receiving a number of photo cards from couples (and a few with their cats!) I decided 2008 was the year of the photo card for me. Of course, once I found out I was expecting twins in November, I threw out the whole thought of doing a Christmas card and had designed a birth announcement that would take its place. So, come October when I started thinking about Christmas cards (I know I am a freak about starting early!!), I wondered how I could possibly design a card that summed up our year in a positive way. So, for all of you who did not get the card in the mail, here it is........ hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Sorry it didn't come out as clear as I had hoped! The bottom part says... Wherever you go, Whatever you do, May angels watch over you.

My new office!

I thought it was time I post something a little more uplifting, so here are pics of my new office! I work in a small non-profit that until Friday was run out of 1 room in a church building. We were able to use other rooms during the day, but ultimately, we ran a staff of 5 employees and 30+ volunteers out of one room. There were no cubes or little walls seperating us, so needless to say it got to be very hectic in there at times!!!! Here is a picture after we moved out all of the desks...

Now, here is my new desk in my own office with my own walls and my own door!!! I love how homey and warm it feels in there. Although, I did get yelled at today by our volunteer optometrist because I am using lambs and not the flourscent lights and that is bad for my eyes.... little does he know that I already ruin my eyes by not wearing my glasses anyways!

Isn't it fabulous!!!!!!!!!

Tip of the Day

Last night we went to a Christmas party for the neighborhood that we own a lot in. We didn't know anyone there and were excited to get to know our new neighbors. Unfortunately, when you are surrounded by people that you don't know, you are inevitably going to be asked the eternal question, "Do you have any kids?" Now, I don't know about your neck of the woods, but where we live, it is pretty much expected that you get married and reproduce- so this is the first question people ask you. I remember dreading this question when we were trying to get pregnant because people expect you to have a family and they look at you strange when you tell them that you are 30 and no children . You get a number of responses from, "oh, I am sure you will have kids soon" to "it is nice to wait until you are ready" to "good for you for not rushing into a family." It always amazes me to hear the responses because not only do they assume that I want children, but they assume that all I have to do is make a decision that we are ready and poof, a pregnant belly will appear!


Problem is that now, we technically do have children; they are just in heaven. So, how the heck are you supposed to answer that question???? You don't want to embarrass the person who asked by saying, "yes we had children but they passed away this summer." That would make an uncomfortable moment for everyone! But, Brooke and Alexcyn are a large part of our lives and I feel horrible dismissing them by saying "no, we don't have any children." So, my tip of the day is when you meet someone new, don't immediately ask them if they have children. Most likely, if they do have children, they will come up in conversation and then it will be ok to discuss their family further. There are currently 2.1 million couples that are suffering from infertily and for every 1000 people, there are 6.8 babies that die as infants. That means that you will most likely encounter an infertile couple or a couple who has lost a child at a Christmas party this season. I ask you to please consider this tip when meeting new people- you could really make a positive impact on their night if you just avoid that question!

Also, I wanted to mention a prayer request for someone from my church who has been an inspiration to me of how to lean on God and trust Him in difficult times. Her name is Kristi and I am not good with all the details, but she has cancer and was in remission and just recently she found out that the cancer is possibly back. She goes in for another appt on Dec 17 to find out if she must begin a more aggressive chemo again. As I read her blog this morning, I couldn't help but cry because I am exactly where she is... feeling down and struggling with so many questions. Here is an excerpt from her blog- you can click on her name above to go to her blog. If you have a lot of time on your hands, I would highly recommend it- she has been such an inspiration to me and has really shined a light in all of our lives.

Have you ever been so down you didn't know how you would get back up? How about put on a smile when all you wanted to do was cry? Told someone you were fine when really you weren't? Wondered if God really cared? Lost hope? Been surrounded by people and yet felt completely alone? If you have, you're not alone. I've just described the past couple days of my life.


Please keep Kristi and her family in your prayers this week.

I'm here...

I can't believe it has been over a week since I posted! Last week I just wasn't up to writing anything. By the end of the week I had heard 6 pregnancy annoncements and I was feeling very down. I was angry at my situation, angry at my body and angry at God. I am less angry now, but have resigned to the fact that no matter what I do, this month is going to be hard. There are so many plans that I had for December- cutting down a tree, buying matching Christmas dresses, and celebrating all of our joys and blessings with our families. Now, I am left wondering what I have to celebrate and how exactly I am going to survive those family gatherings.

I am so thankful to have such wonderful family and friends who are here to pray for me and over me when I am just not feeling like doing it myself. After a tough couple of days, my co-workers actually prayed over me last week which was a wonderful and humbling experience. So, I wanted to quick check in and say I am still here and thank you so much for all of your kind words of encouragement.

Soap Operas

Back in the day, I was a soap opera junkie. I would tape General Hospital and Days of our Lives and watch them everyday. I subscribed to the magazines, I had pictures of the actors all over my walls, I even kept tapes of my favorite episodes- I was totally obsessed! Thankfully, I have moved on from that phase in my life. I still do catch a show every once in a while and it amazes me that the same characters are still on and they are dealing with the same issues that they were 10 years ago. Last night, I sat back and pondered my life and everything that has happened over the last few years and I felt like I was living in my own soap opera. I am guessing you all have watched one at some point in your lives and I am sure you all have experienced the Friday cliffhanger. Something dramatic and tragic always happens on a Friday because they want to keep your interest over the weekend. The problem will then be resolved on Monday and then a new one arises just in time for the next Friday. Well, right now I feel like I am stuck in a Friday cliffhanger that just can't quite make it to the Monday resolution. I feel like I have had these tragic things happen in my life and everything in my life has stopped moving forward yet everyone else's lives have moved on to Monday.

It is no secret that we want a baby more than anything in life. We were hoping for a miracle baby that could be conceived on its own. After a few months of trying, I have decided that I need to be realistic- it is just not going to happen that way for us. So, here we are stuck in our Friday cliffhanger trying to get pregnant again and just not knowing if we will ever get to that Monday where we find out our prayers have been answered. We are back to taking temperatures and ovulation tests, back to schedules and appointments. We are moving backward while everyone else is moving forward. And the pain is intensified this time because we have felt what it is like to be parents and we long to have that feeling again.

This week has been difficult for me because I have had a couple friends tell me they were pregnant. The announcements came in the most gentle way and with so much respect for my feelings, but they still bring tears to my eyes and my heart. Tears for the baby I never got to know, tears for the babies I held in my arms yet have no more, tears for all of the temperatures I have to take, tears for the ovulation tests, appointments and blood work that I have to go through to get pregnant.... So, as you can probably tell, I am having another pity party for myself. I am frustrated and angry that I have to go through all of this crap while others seem to just get pregnant. Not saying that they are not deserving of children, but when is it my turn?? When do we just get pregnant? When do we get to announce that we are pregnant?

So, here I am again asking for prayers- I feel like that is all I ever do anymore! At this moment, I am in conversation with God about all of these emotions, but feel like my anger is preventing me from praying. Please say a prayer today that I can get past this saddness and have my hope restored. Please also say a prayer of thanks for my wonderful friends who thought of me and my feelings when announcing their exciting news- I feel so blessed to be surrounded by people that care so much.