Wow, has it really been a week since I posted. For the first time in a long time, I can actually say that the week went by really fast. Although it usually does when you start it off with a holiday on Monday! As I look forward to June and July, I can only hope that the time flies by just as fast. I have a lot of anxiety leading into these two months. June will bring us into our 23rd week of pregnancy- the week my water broke with the girls. There are a lot of memories and flashbacks going through my head these days. Being only 3 weeks off of my pregnancy timeline last year has not helped because I seriously feel like I am stepping back in time and reliving last summer. I found myself at home a night this week as a storm was coming in. I was of course laying on the couch feeling baby move and I was instantly transformed to July 16. That night I was home alone, laying on the couch when I suddenly felt a gush of water. Instead of water this time, I started to feel my tummy tighten up. I didn't worry too much about it, but after a while, it did it again and I started to freak out. By the time J got home I was a total mess and made him promise to not leave me alone again for the next 5 weeks! Luckily I had an OB appt the next day where she confirmed that I was having Braxton Hicks. It is nothing to worry about, but honestly is there anything I don't worry about these days????
Once we get past all the anxiety of June, July hits. The month of the birth and death of our baby girls. My emotions will suddenly transform from anxiety ridden to sadness and heartache as we find a way to "celebrate" the birthday of our girls. Did I also mention that we have 6 friends having babies within two weeks of Brooke and Alexcyn's birthday????? So, not only am I going to be dealing with all of those emotions, but I have to find a way to pick myself up, go buy baby gifts, put on a huge fake smile and visit these babies in the hospital- which is coincidentally the last place I want to be in July. So, needless to say, I will desperately need you all to cover me in prayers during those weeks!
So, why am I telling you all of this now? Because I know that the tone of my posts will probably be full of anxiety and sadness and I wanted to warn you to hang on with me through these difficult months! As a way to ensure that at least a little fun will happen over the next few months, I am starting the name game! I got this idea from a friend and I just love it. We have picked out a name for our little one and we aren't sharing the name, but over the next 20 weeks, we will be giving clues to the name on the blog. These clues will go to either the first name or middle name and which one it goes to will not be specified. If you want to participate, just put your best guess in the comment section of the post the clue is in. You may guess as many times as you want and at the birth of our son in October, if anyone has the correct name, you will win a gift card to Target. I know you all want to join in now because you can't not try for a gc to Target!!!
With no further ado, here is our first clue.... This name can be used as a first name OR a last name. Good luck!
Friday, May 29, 2009
Friday, May 22, 2009
MFM Appt
I had my second cervical ultrasound this morning and am happy to report that nothing has changed- yah!! The Dr felt confident that if something was going to happen, we would start to see signs of it by now. She had me cancel my appt next week and just get another cervical done at my anatomy ultrasound on June 5. She really felt that at this point, the only reason to go every week would be for my anxiety level. I do have an appt with my OB next week so I am not worried about that week so much. I am hoping I can get my next OB appt to be around the 23 week mark because that is when I know I will be really freaking out. We didn't get any pictures this time, but we did get a good peek and yes, it is still a boy! The u/s tech took a quick look at his brain and heart and said everything looked good there which is a relief and something I now don't have to worry about our next appt-phew!
**Afer a few comments, I realize some clarification is needed about the "it is still a boy" comment. I said that because there were people that doubted the accuracy of gender prediction at such an early stage, not because I thought anything was going to fall off and he was going to become a she!!**
**Afer a few comments, I realize some clarification is needed about the "it is still a boy" comment. I said that because there were people that doubted the accuracy of gender prediction at such an early stage, not because I thought anything was going to fall off and he was going to become a she!!**
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Wednesday
I was catching up on my blogs this morning and I came across two that spoke of recent infant losses. One woman lost her son at 24.5 weeks and one at 40 weeks. I know thier pain and thier suffering and my heart just breaks for them. I also read this post this morning from my friend Nicole and it spoke so beautifully of all the heartache of infant loss that I had to share it with you. Hope you don't mind that I am sharing this Nicole!
The Process.
Mother's Day put me on the fast track downward, emotionally speaking. Ever since then, it's been a second by second battle with my mind. The battle of coming out on top. Coming out the victor amidst this mess of emotions that come as the cost of losing your child. Well intentioned cohorts will claim that time will lessen the pain. Any grieving mother can tell you that time does not lessen the pain. It just expands the moments of relief that come in between the moments of pain. As time goes on, there will be longer stretches of days without tears. But when the hard days come, the pain is no less than when the tragedy first occurred. The numbing, intense, sick to your stomach pain that comes at any moment when your mind becomes aware of the fact that indeed you gave birth, indeed you are a mother, and indeed, your child is dead. That's a hard fact to swallow.
Never before have I felt the "anger" that comes with grief. That is until Mother's Day. I am angry that my child is not here with me now. I am angry that we live in a sin-filled world. I am angry that more mom's face the struggle of losing a child, whether the child is lost through adoption, custody battles, or even death. There is another baby buried next to Dylan. That makes it two now. And, that makes me angry.
I know our God is a sovereign God. I know He works all things for the good of those that love Him. I know all of this. But, it doesn't make it any easier to walk through this fire.
The Process.
Mother's Day put me on the fast track downward, emotionally speaking. Ever since then, it's been a second by second battle with my mind. The battle of coming out on top. Coming out the victor amidst this mess of emotions that come as the cost of losing your child. Well intentioned cohorts will claim that time will lessen the pain. Any grieving mother can tell you that time does not lessen the pain. It just expands the moments of relief that come in between the moments of pain. As time goes on, there will be longer stretches of days without tears. But when the hard days come, the pain is no less than when the tragedy first occurred. The numbing, intense, sick to your stomach pain that comes at any moment when your mind becomes aware of the fact that indeed you gave birth, indeed you are a mother, and indeed, your child is dead. That's a hard fact to swallow.
Never before have I felt the "anger" that comes with grief. That is until Mother's Day. I am angry that my child is not here with me now. I am angry that we live in a sin-filled world. I am angry that more mom's face the struggle of losing a child, whether the child is lost through adoption, custody battles, or even death. There is another baby buried next to Dylan. That makes it two now. And, that makes me angry.
I know our God is a sovereign God. I know He works all things for the good of those that love Him. I know all of this. But, it doesn't make it any easier to walk through this fire.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
a whole week...
I can't believe it has been a whole week since I have posted. I guess life has just been a little busy lately! We had a wonderful mini holiday last weekend. We crossed the state to shop at a fabulous outlet mall on Saturday and then went to Ikea and Cabelas on Sunday. It was a serious shop till you drop weekend. Sad thing is that we really didn't get much other than an outfit for baby boy and a pair of pants for myself and J. We still had a great time getting out of town and away from all of the mothers day reminders. I felt so blessed to come home Sunday to so many wonderful cards, emails and FB comments. It really did mean so much to know that all of you were thinking of me- thanks!
This weekend we headed to Chicago for the day with some friends. We did a little shopping, had a beer in the Garden at Navy Pier (just water for me!), ate some yummy pizza at Giordano's and some unbelievable turtle cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory. It was a great day! But, after these two busy weekends, I have to admit that I am totally exhausted and looking forward to a three day weekend with nothing planned.
I have my next MFM appt this Friday. Please say a prayer that my cervix has not budged and is still holding strong at 30. I am getting a little nervous as we inch closer and closer to 23 weeks. I have started experiencing flashbacks which are not pleasant and am so thankful for my friend C for taking such good care of getting me out of the house on Wednesday nights. Those tend to be the worst because it all seems so de ja vuish- Jason is out at golf league and I am at home laying on the couch. That is exactly what I was doing when my water broke and I just can't help but think back to that moment on those nights. I can only expect this anxiety to increase as time goes by and just hope and pray that once we get to 24 weeks, it subsides a bit. I have started to feel the little guy move around. He is quite the kicker and even J was able to feel a good kick the other day. I was so excited because I really want J to be able to feel as much as possible because last time he didn't get that opportunity more than one time.
This weekend we headed to Chicago for the day with some friends. We did a little shopping, had a beer in the Garden at Navy Pier (just water for me!), ate some yummy pizza at Giordano's and some unbelievable turtle cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory. It was a great day! But, after these two busy weekends, I have to admit that I am totally exhausted and looking forward to a three day weekend with nothing planned.
I have my next MFM appt this Friday. Please say a prayer that my cervix has not budged and is still holding strong at 30. I am getting a little nervous as we inch closer and closer to 23 weeks. I have started experiencing flashbacks which are not pleasant and am so thankful for my friend C for taking such good care of getting me out of the house on Wednesday nights. Those tend to be the worst because it all seems so de ja vuish- Jason is out at golf league and I am at home laying on the couch. That is exactly what I was doing when my water broke and I just can't help but think back to that moment on those nights. I can only expect this anxiety to increase as time goes by and just hope and pray that once we get to 24 weeks, it subsides a bit. I have started to feel the little guy move around. He is quite the kicker and even J was able to feel a good kick the other day. I was so excited because I really want J to be able to feel as much as possible because last time he didn't get that opportunity more than one time.
Here is a 17 week belly shot. Again, I am less than thrilled with this picture, but I know many of you have been asking for a belly pic so here you go!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Thank you to everyone who sent a card or left a comment on my blog or on my Facebook. Your support on this day means so much.
"Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God" (2 Corinthians 1:2-4).
Friday, May 8, 2009
I would like for you to meet our baby............
BOY!!!!! Yes, it has been confirmed with a definite sighting of a "third leg"- we are having a boy! We are thrilled at this news and now I am ready to do some serious damage at PBKids this weekend! My appt went very well at the MFM this morning. My cervix was a 30 which is right where it needs to be. I was supposed to go back every week, but the MFM thought I should cancel my appt next week because it was still quite early to do every week appts. I will be going back at 18 weeks and from the results of that ultrasound, she will decide what she wants to do regarding bed rest, low activity, etc..... The word bed rest freaked me out a bit, but right now I am just flying high on the news of my baby boy and I will not let that get in my head yet. I can't tell you how much I needed to hear this as we headed into this weekend.
"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away my heart will chose to say "Lord blessed be your name!"
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
bittersweet
This week is pretty bittersweet for me. I am surrounded by reminders everywhere that this weekend we are celebrating mothers. This week I have often found myself asking, what does it mean to be a mother? The definition in Wikipedia says a mother is a biological and/or social female parent of an offspring. So, how do I fall into that definition????? If you gave birth to children that did not survive, are you a parent? And, how are you supposed to "celebrate" this day devoted to mothers/parents?
Over the last 4 years, this day has been a painful reminder that I couldn't achieve the one thing I longed for most in my life. I endured church services where they handed out carnations to the mothers and yet I stood there empty handed, I endured family gatherings and social events where mothers were celebrated and I sat in the corner wiping away the tears. Now, here I am a "mother" and yet I am still that girl in the corner wiping away her tears, empty handed. So, instead of endurning all of this heartache again, my husband is wisking me away for a little retail therapy on the other side of the state. I am so excited to have something to look forward to instead of having something to dread. And I am excited to be spending this bittersweet day with the one person who unfortunately understands all of this pain and heartache and who puts up with me and my crazy emotions on this day every year!
I know that there are a lot of different people that read this blog- some of you have lost children, some of you have dealt with or are currently dealing with infertility. And, some of you are family, friends and church-goers who have never experienced pain, saddness or longing for a child. I am putting a challenge in your hearts this week. Be aware of those around you that could be hurting on this day. If you know someone that lost a child this year, send them a card, an email or a simple note to let them know that you remember and that you are praying for them to feel peace this Sunday. If you are in church and are proudly displaying your carnation, take a minute to say a prayer for those without a carnation. If you are at a family gathering and notice someone who is a little quiet and seems down, go over to them and include them in a conversation that is not about babies, children or mothers. These little touches of grace will mean so much to a grieving mother or to a woman who longs for nothing more than to be called mother.
Over the last 4 years, this day has been a painful reminder that I couldn't achieve the one thing I longed for most in my life. I endured church services where they handed out carnations to the mothers and yet I stood there empty handed, I endured family gatherings and social events where mothers were celebrated and I sat in the corner wiping away the tears. Now, here I am a "mother" and yet I am still that girl in the corner wiping away her tears, empty handed. So, instead of endurning all of this heartache again, my husband is wisking me away for a little retail therapy on the other side of the state. I am so excited to have something to look forward to instead of having something to dread. And I am excited to be spending this bittersweet day with the one person who unfortunately understands all of this pain and heartache and who puts up with me and my crazy emotions on this day every year!
I know that there are a lot of different people that read this blog- some of you have lost children, some of you have dealt with or are currently dealing with infertility. And, some of you are family, friends and church-goers who have never experienced pain, saddness or longing for a child. I am putting a challenge in your hearts this week. Be aware of those around you that could be hurting on this day. If you know someone that lost a child this year, send them a card, an email or a simple note to let them know that you remember and that you are praying for them to feel peace this Sunday. If you are in church and are proudly displaying your carnation, take a minute to say a prayer for those without a carnation. If you are at a family gathering and notice someone who is a little quiet and seems down, go over to them and include them in a conversation that is not about babies, children or mothers. These little touches of grace will mean so much to a grieving mother or to a woman who longs for nothing more than to be called mother.
"Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms" (1 Peter 4:10).
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