Cottage 2013

Between our annual cottage trip with Jason's family, my parents renting a cottage by the lake in our town, Grant not napping anymore (leaving me no computer time) and house building stuff, my blog has seriously become neglected.  I apologize to all the family out there waiting for their weekly update!  I just need more time or at least for the family that is complaining to come babysit :)

A couple weeks ago we went on our annual trip to the cottage with Jason's family.  It was hard to believe that it was five years ago that I dreaded this trip.  We had just lost the girls and I was in a really bad place.  Being there for that week with family and all the kids was so so hard. As I reflected back on that week, I was just so thankful to be in a good place mentally where I can go enjoy all of the kids and not have all those envious feelings anymore.

The weather was less than cooperative.  It was chilly, windy and rainy so most days were spent wrapped up in a blanket watching the kids play in the yard.  I was bummed that Grant didn't get a lot of time in the lake because I really wanted him to work on his confidence with swimming.  Ashton on the other hand was very comfortable.  He is already trying to put his head under water and blow bubbles like the big kids.  I have a feeling he might just pass Grant in swimming lessons next year!

Here are a few a lot snapshots of our week...

Grant and his cousin loved these kid kayaks.  They spent hours on a rainy day paddling around.  They could have cared less that they weren't sitting on them correctly!

Seriously, this kid is so darn cute that I just want to pinch him sometimes:)

That must have been a crazy ride on the wave runner with grandpa! 

 My boys fishing....

And then there is this little guy that melts my heart all over again with those blue eyes and white hair!
He insists on wearing his goggles even though he never actually puts them on his eyes.

Family tube ride minus Grant who was deathly afraid of anything that moved.  We had to bribe him just to sit on the tube for a picture.  Ashton however cried to get off the tube he loved it so much!

This is what happens every time I ask Jason to take a pic of me and the kids.  He complains about it and then the kids cry.  All I want is to look back on the pics in 20 years and know that I was actually on the vacation with them.  Is that too much to ask???

Grant has been bugging me for a super hero cape for a while now.  When his cousin asked for one for his birthday, I knew I couldn't get away with not getting one for G.  So, we did a sticker chart and worked on his whining and his listening and at the end of the week at the cottage, he was rewarded with his cape.  Of course, I had to get Ashton one too because I didn't want to deal with the arguments over one cape!

My annual cottage pics... my how they have grown!

 To another year at the cottage.....

Ten on Tuesday

1.  Since I did a whole post on Grant a couple weeks ago, I thought it only fair to dedicate one just to Ashton.  Especially since he is up to so much lately.  I feel like I can't remember it all!

2.  Ashton's bed time routine.... read 3 books, let him turn off the light, say a prayer and then hold him in your arms until he says, "sleep." He doesn't always say sleep right away, but whenever he says it, it means he is ready.  If you try to lay him down before he says sleep, you will only get tears.  He usually sleeps from 8-8 but that has varied a lot with summer activities.

3.  Ashton's favorite part of bed time routine is reading his books.  He has about 10 to choose from and he knows all of them by heart.  He picks out which one by actually saying what he believes is the title, "pillar" for Hungry Catepillar, "stars" for Twinkle Twinkle, "moon" for Goodnight Moon, "babies" for his baby colors/babies/body parts book, etc...  As we read, he starts to say what is coming up on the next page- he actually has memorized all of his books!  His favorite right now is, "boom boom" aka Chicka Chicka.

3.  Ashton talks so much.  When I looked back at my blog to see when Grant started talking, it wasn't until July.  Ashton is obviously trying to get ahead of the game because he started talking back in January!  It never ceases to amaze me the words he says.  He repeats just about everything you say now and wants you to explain everything you are doing so he can understand it.

His lovey is the little lamb that my mom gave to the girls.  He calls it his bunny and carries it around everywhere.

4.  Ashton loves to say, "bye" to everyone.  I mean everyone.  When we go out to eat, every person that walks by our table gets a wave and a "bye".  He is definitely a friendly little tike.

5.  Ashton is pretty much potty training himself.  About 80% of the time, he tells us when he has to poop so he can go on the potty.  Not so much with pee yet which is why I am not anywhere near ready to potty train him.

6.    Doesn't look comfortable to me, but he was in a such a sound sleep that he must have been comfy!

7.  He wants to be everywhere and do everything that Grant does. I think this is the explanation for his advanced talking and his desire to go on the big boy potty.  He loves to be held and loved on especially when he wakes up. 

8. Ashton is no longer a good eater.  He likes green beans but only Rachel Rays recipe.  He loves asparagus but throws blueberries and peaches on the floor.  There are days he barely eats anything and then days he stuffs himself silly.


9.  Ashton never sits still.  He barely walks anywhere - he runs.  He LOVES to swim and feels as if it is perfectly ok to jump in the pool anytime (hence the reason he is always wearing swimmies by water). 

10.  Blessing of the week:  every night when I pray with Ashton, I thank God for him.  His life was a surprise to us.  A gift we never expected. His smile and his love for life keep a smile on my face and hearing him say,"luv you" when I kiss him goodnight makes me feel like even though we have been through hell, life is pretty darn good.

11.  For anyone who wonders where Ashton comes from- he looks JUST like me when I was little.  Our scanner is broken so I had to take a picture of a picture so not great quality, but you get the idea.  This is me and my mom at 19 months.
 

thanks

Thanks for all your love, support, kind words and encouragement over the last week.  I am always amazed at how loved you all make me feel through this blog, through facebook and through personal emails.  The simple fact that you remembered without me saying anything just means the world to me. 

On Thursday, I braved the beach with Grant and Ashton.  It is our tradition to go to our favorite beach in South Haven.  However, Jason wouldn't take off work and I just couldn't imagine carrying all that stuff, plus two kids down that incredibly long walk to the beach.  So, I opted for a closer version in the town we will soon be moving to because it has a shorter distance from car to water.  We got there right away when it opened and enjoyed about 4 hours playing in the sand, riding the waves, eating a picnic lunch and then playing some more.  It was a wonderful day with just us and was a great reminder of just how lucky I am. 

Of course, it was 98 degrees with 100% humidity that day so leaving the beach with bags, tired/hot kids and sand everywhere left me totally exhausted.  We came home and played in the pool in the backyard and waited for J to come home and then we enjoyed a nice dinner out just the four of us.

I attempted my first cookie cake since I have not been happy with the ones I purchased the last few years.  I am no cake boss, but it tasted good and cost about $18 less than the one I bought last year!  

I had purchased Chinese lanterns to let off at night, but again, it was so darn hot that we opted to wait until Sunday.  Instead we just went to the cemetery and left our flowers, told Brooke and Alexcyn how much we loved them and missed them and then came home to enjoy the nice, cold air conditioning!

memories

With my dad visiting for a couple weeks, our mini vaca in IN, and Jason's grandma passing away, this week totally crept up on me.  It has obviously been on my mind, but it seemed like I blinked my eyes and it was suddenly here. The last few weeks/months I have been remembering a lot of things so in an effort to get it out of my head, I am writing it all down here.  If you have followed my blog from the beginning, this will all be old news for you. If you have lost a baby, you will probably understand why sometimes it just feels good to write it all down.  Even if the memories aren't good ones, they are all I have and this is my way of telling my story.

I can hardly believe that five years ago  I was laying on the couch and felt that gush of water that took my future down a path I never would have imagined.

July 16, 2008-  I laid on the couch.  A storm was coming.  I was tired and I cancelled plans with a friend so I could chill on the couch.  I was planning for an upcoming sleepover with my niece so I wanted to be well rested.  As I watched the storm clouds roll in and the weatherman flashing on the screen to take cover, I felt a gush of water.  I froze thinking that it would stop, but it didn't.  I left a trail of water as I ran to the bathroom where I found the phone and called the dr.  I remember the gut wrenching feeling in my heart, the drive to the ER by myself, calling Jason in a total panic, seeing the look on the drs face when the swab was positive for amniotic fluid, making those horrible calls to our family.  The guilt I felt inside that my body had done this was overwhelming.  I remember seeing Jason walk into that hospital room and looking into his eyes and knowing that this was real.  I can still see the ceiling of the ambulance as I took a  really bumpy ride to Spectrum just me and the AMR guy, the horrible pressure of REALLY having to pee the entire ride and knowing I had to wait a half an hour for relief, the long hours at the hospital as they did test after test as I prayed and prayed and prayed.

July 17, 2008- I remember that Jason never gave up even though I knew it was over.  He told everyone that we were there for the long haul.  Family came to visit.  Friends called.  Work emailed. My parents brought stuff to make the room more homey feeling.  We talked about sneaking my cat Jasper up there since I missed him so much.  I know now that I was just longing for something normal.  Drs and nurses came in and out.  NICU came in and gave us the worst case scenario with decisions to think about if and when something happened.  I was on Mag Sulfate and everything seemed like a blur. All I could do was lay there for what seemed like a lifetime but was only a day and a half.

July 18, 2008- Another day of laying around.  There was a lot of family in the hospital just sitting around.  I am still amazed they just sat around and watched me lay there fighting off the effects of Mag Sulfate.  My mom helped me wash up since I was attached to a pole and had been sweating like crazy for 2 days.  I remember going to the bathroom and noticing something on the toilet paper after I wiped. I waited around all day for an ultrasound and remember that they finally took me back around 3 because General Hospital was on.  As I watched that screen, I was  100% sure that it was over.  I kept telling them that something wasn't right.  During the ultrasound, they couldn't find one of the girls legs.  I knew why, but none of them believed me.  I went back to my room and listened to the nurse tell me that I wasn't in labor.  I knew I was.  Finally after insisting that the dr come and check me, it was all over.  Everything changed.  The dr yelled, people ran, I saw the blur of bright lights as they rushed me down the hall into the elevator, the look on my families face, the delivery room that was suddenly full of so.many.people.  The horrible feeling of giving birth naturally to babies that were too small to live but big enough to cause a lot of pain!  The nurses that wrapped Brooke up and gave her to me, dressed her in the smallest dress, watching family as they held her, cried over her, and prayed for her.  And then doing it all over again with Alexcyn only this time watching her being wisked away to the NICU and praying that God would save her. As I look back on my time in the delivery room, it all seems like a dream. Like I am a fly on the wall looking in and it really wasn't me that went through this horrible experience.

July 19 & 20, 2008- Spent as much time as possible with my baby girl.  Holding her hand.  Loving on her through a thick piece of glass.  Listening to drs and nurses, but knowing in my heart that soon it would be over. Just wanted to hold her hand forever. 

July 21, 2008- Spent the day with Alexcyn.  Watched our pastor baptise her and then waited for my dad to fly in from CA because we had made the difficult decision to let her go.  We sat in a room that unfortunately many people had sat in before.  We held our baby in our arms and watched the nurse nod as she checked her heartbeat.  As hard as it is to say, I felt relief when we finally held her in our arms because we knew she was out of pain.  We held her close and kissed her warm body.  She was so small and frail and we watched as our family held her and loved on her just like they did to Brooke.  We went home to an empty house with empty hearts and empty arms.

Five years ago, I would have never guessed I would be where I am today.  those first days home where horrible.  I couldn't move.  I took life day by day and some days, minute by minute.  But I am here to say that with all those memories, most of them not so great, I have survived.  I have learned a lot about myself, my faith, my relationship with Jason, my unconditional love for two angels that touched my heart forever and not to take a single day for granted.  I have taken this experience and used it to help others that have gone through something similar.  It hasn't been easy.  There have been a lot of dark days, but as time has passed, my heart has slowly healed.  I think of them everyday but I don't get emotional like I used to.  I remember their sweet faces and feeling them flutter inside me.  I visit the cemetery often and talk to the boys about them as much as I can.

Five years ago I became a mother to Brooke Janae and Alexcyn Grace and my life changed forever.

Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked the people, but Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 19:13-14

Mini Vaca

Our annual July 4th vaca was cut a little short with the news of grandma  this year.  However, we knew she wouldn't want us to stop having fun so we did stay down there for a couple days.  It was interesting to see how much things have changed this year with the boys.  Grant has developed a serious fear of pretty much anything.  He refuses to put his head under the water and will only wear his ring.  Last year he loved going on the Sea Doo.  This year he wouldn't let J go above idle and he flat our refused to go in the tube.  One time he even stood on the dock and begged Jason and I not to go out because we would get hurt.  His fear definitey goes deep!

My little guy that is never afraid of adventure, is apparently not the speed demon I feared he would be.  Thank God!  He also refused to let J go above idle on the Sea Doo.  However, he doesn't fear the water at all and jumps right in no matter how many times I tell him that he needs mommy with him.  I pretty much put his water wings on when we walk out the door and never take them off.  I just don't trust him by the water at all since he usually jumps in when I have my back to the pool. 

We were blessed with two firework shows this year.  The first one was at my parents lake house.  We take the pontoon into the middle of their lake and we can see shows from two local lakes.  The next night my parents neighbors kids (kids I used to babysit that are now married, ugh.) had bought $700 in fireworks so we had our own private show.  It was awesome.  The boys just loved it and every day since Ashton has me for fireworks!

on the boat waiting for it to get dark

I love this pic of Jason making the boys laugh as we waited for our own private firework show.

The boys favorite thing to do was fish with daddy.  They treasured the time alone with him on the dock fishing even though to Ashton it just meant putting his pole in the water!

All in all it was a good time away from the norm.  Although, we did miss our annual date night at the cottage. Hoping we can get that rescheduled quickly since we are desperate for some alone time! 

grandma

Last week we headed down with the boys to visit my parents in Indiana.   This is an annual trip that we look forward to since my parents have a pool and a boat and the boys just love being by mom mom and pop pop.  Unfortunately, we woke on Thursday to the news that Jason's grandmother had passed away.  She was 93 and fell on Wednesday and had a hip replacement surgery later that day.  Thursday morning her body started giving up and she peacefully said goodbye and she was gone within minutes.  It was a total surprise to everyone including the doctor who kept saying that he was just talking to her.  She was a wonderful woman who was living at home alone at the age of 93, gardening and walking every day.  She read the Bible every year and whenever you stopped by her house, it was open on her table.  Before we had kids, I would go visit her on Wednesday nights while J was golfing.  She would tell me stories of her childhood on the farm, teach me about faith, tell me what she was reading in her Bible, share her stamp collection with me or just walk around and show me all the amazing flowers in her garden.  She wasn't just a grandma through marriage, she was just like one of my own.  She had an amazing smile and a laugh that brightened any day.  My favorite thing she ever told me was advice on bringing up your child (she had 5 that she raised by herself at times since her hubby was in the Army).  "Krista, moms these days pay too much attention to their kids.  They pick them up, hold them every time they cry and just give them too much attention.  I used to put my kids in the playpen with a toy and leave them be for hours.  Every couple days I would switch out the toy so they wouldn't get bored."  I just about peed in my pants laughing when she told me this advice especially since she was totally serious.  I didn't really take that advice, but it suddenly give me a lot of insight into why my MIL never likes to leave her comfort zone of home!  The only comfort I get in her passing is knowing that Brooke and Alexcyn were right there to greet her in Heaven and on their 5th birthday next week, she will be celebrating right along side of them, showering them with kisses and sharing with them her beautiful smile.

This was the last picture I took of her and the boys when we went to visit her on Halloween.

 

Goodbye Grandma B- we love you so much and pray that you are taking good care of our babies in Heaven.

Before having the girls, I would have never imaged taking pictures at a funeral.  And, I will admit you get a lot of looks from people that don't understand and it is quite awkward snapping away in silence.  However, I treasure those pictures that my MIL so bravely took 5 years ago.  It is hard to explain, but I hold those pictures close to my heart so when she asked me to snap a few, I didn't even hesitate.

Ten on Tuesday

1.  I am dedicating this post to all of the funny/interesting things that Grant has said lately that I don't want to forget.

2.  In the car the other day, Grant started talking about when Ashton was born.  He usually likes to tell me how scared he was of the big vacuum at the hospital.  However, this time he talked about going to spend time with Aunt M and his cousins and spending the night at Mom Mom and Pop Pop's and how they brought him to the hospital.  Even at 2, he definitely remembers the experience.  And then he asked me when I was having another baby!  I hated to break his heart, but we had the discussion that we had two babies in heaven and 2 wonderful boys here and mommy and daddy were done having babies.  He was not pleased.  I am not sure I am prepared for all of the adult conversations he suddenly wants to have with me!

3.  The other day when I put him down for a nap:
Me: I love you Grant, sleep well.
Grant: I love you too.
Me: I love you more (expecting him to say I love you mostest...)
Grant:  I love you most of the time.  Ha, guess he got me!

4.  The other night I took Grant upstairs to bed and he looked at me and said,"mommy, you look pretty."  Sounds like my attempts to raise a little gentleman are working!

5.  Grant:  Mommy, can I have --------?  Not sure what it was since he asks me for something every 2 seconds.
Me:  Grant, we will have to see.
Grant:  Every time you say that, you give in so I know I will get it now.
Me:  Really?  Thinking.... crap, I guess I need to start paying more attention because he obviously is!

6. Grant and I had a conversation about the girls birthday in the car as we passed their cemetery.  I was trying to explain to him that him and Ashton and I were going to the beach and eating a cookie cake to honor them on their birthday.  He was so confused and couldn't figure out why they would not be eating the cake with us.  We have books on Heaven that we read regularly, but I really am struggling with explaining to his 3 year old brain that they can't just come down here and eat cake with us.  We have this conversation every time we pass the cemetery now so please let me know if you have suggestions. 

7.  Discussing an ad for a carnival that we were going to...
Grant:  It looks like there are clowns there mommy.  You don't like clowns.
Me: It will be ok Grant; mommy just won't go to that part of the carnival.
Grant:  Don't worry mommy, I will protect you from those clowns.
Me: Aw.... thanks Grant for being so darn cute!

8.  Last night Grant was a horrible sleeper.  He woke up every hour needing to go potty, needing a drink, having a nightmare, etc.... by 2 am we just pulled him into our bed out of desperation for sleep.  At 3 am he sat up, looked at Jason and I and asked us what we were going to do today.  Seriously, at 3 in the morning he was already concerned about his day.  After that, he went back into his bed and slept the rest of the night.  I am starting to think he got my crazy planning gene since I do tend to wake up at 3 am and plan out my day in my head!

9.  Other random Grantisms I don't want to forget:  every time you want something you come up to me, give me a hug and say, "I like you mamma."  2 seconds later, it is followed by an ask of some sort.  You call me mamma like a good southern boy.  I will never understand where you get that thick southern drawl.  You ask to go to the, "pawk" every day and you love to drink," mewk". You don't go anywhere without your "bunny" aka "b" but you are really particular about making sure you get one that has been very loved aka "soft B". 

10.  Blessing of the week:  I will never, ever, ever, ever get tired of hearing you say, "I love you mamma."