Christmas

I was so excited for Christmas this year.  I couldn't wait to see the look on Grant's face when he saw all of his amazing presents.  Of course, wouldn't you know that Wednesday night, G spiked a 104 fever and suddenly all of our excitement was gone!  I took him into the dr on Thursday and he thought it was a sinus infection as a result of his lingering cold from a couple weeks ago.  (yes, we are always sick in this house!) So, we started an antibiotic and loaded up the presents and headed to grandma and grandpas house for our Christmas Eve Eve celebration.

The next day we headed to see my family down south. We were there for less than 24 hours so it was a quick trip, but there is nothing like being home for the holidays so it was worth it.

Saturday afternoon we headed back home to celebrate with J's extended family.  We were lucky enough that Santa had some time in his busy schedule to stop by and see all of the kids at our party.  Grant's present was the first one out of the bag and we were amazed at how easily he went to Santa, especially since the last visit to Santa produced quite a scream.  Isn't this just precious.....

As we were getting G ready for church on Sunday morning, we noticed that he had a rash all over his tummy and back.  We are pretty sure his 3 days of temp had nothing to do with his sinus infection and was in fact Roseola....  so, sorry if you were around us those few days! 

Sickness and all, it was a wonderful holiday.  We feel so blessed by our family and friends and are just so grateful to be able to spend a holiday cuddling our little guy.  Of course, thoughts of what could have been always flood my head this time of year.  I dream about the Christmas festivities with two little girls all dressed up in their beautiful red dresses.  I think about how chaotic and crazy it would be with them finally understanding the presents under the tree were for them to open.  I think about the gift of a trip to Disney this year and how much fun they would have getting Cinderella's autograph.  It makes me sad to know that I will never see those situations play out in person.   I miss them like crazy, but I am trying to stay positive and think of the amazing celebration they were part of in Heaven on Jesus' birthday!

Christmas in Heaven

 

I see the countless

Christmas trees

around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,

reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular,

please wipe away the tear

For I am spending Christmas with

Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs

that people hold so dear

But the sounds of music can't compare

with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,

the joy their voices bring,

For it is beyond description,

to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,

I see the pain inside your heart.

But I am not so far away,

We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,

You know I hold you dear.

And be glad I'm spending Christmas

with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,

from my heavenly home above.

I sent you each a memory

of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious

than pure gold.

was always most important

in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,

my Father said to do.

I can't count the blessing or love

He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and

Wipe away that tear

Remember, I am spending Christmas with

Jesus Christ this year.

Merry Christmas to my beautiful girls Brooke and Alexcyn.  I hope you are throwing Jesus the best birthday party ever today!

"The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other." ~Burton Hillis

in Heaven...

"And loved ones who've died, though I miss them today..... at times in an almost unbearable way.... they're doing just fine and they're loving their stay in Heaven.

The day I arrive I will be so excited to see all of my loved ones.  They've all been invited to join in the laughter and be reunited in Heaven.

A mom with her baby, kids with their dad, widows, and friends who've been painfully sad are in for a party like they've never had in Heaven."


"God blesses you who weep now, for the time will come when you will laugh with joy." Luke 6:21

Excerpt from There's A Party In Heaven!  by Gary Bower.  I highly recommend this book to any babyloss mommas that believe their baby/babies are in Heaven. It gives a beautiful visualization of where our babies are resting until we can see them again.  And, I think it is a wonderful way to tell your rainbow babies about their siblings in Heaven.

First Snow

A couple weeks ago we woke up to the first snow of the season.  I was so thankful that it was one of my days to stay home with G.  We stayed in our jammies most of the morning and just watched the snow fall and then layered on some clothes and went outside to explore after nap time.  Grant is getting his snow suit for Christmas so the poor kid had on so many layers of clothes that he could barely walk and at one point he fell over and couldn't stand back up.  Needless to say, our time outside was pretty short, but it didn't stop me from taking some cute pictures!



walking in the snow....




this was after he fell - his poor face was covered in snow!





my little snow bunny

 

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that is a great gift." ~Elizabeth Edwards~


I saw this quote on Face.book the other day and I just had to re-post it.  It is such a simple statement that has so much meaning.  I know I have said it many times, but the fact that others remember my girls means the world to me.  Now, I am not saying that you all have to run out and buy me a card or ask me about them next time you see me.  Often times it is just the simple act of randomly hearing their names spoken by others that makes my heart feel full.  It was months ago that I saw my 6 year old niece while shopping at Target.  We ran into each other in the baby clothes section and she grabbed a cute little girly pajama set and casually said, "Alexcyn would love this Aunt Krista." It brought tears to my eyes.  The innocence of a little girl that doesn't hesitate and think too hard about if she should say something or not is just priceless.  So, I thought this was a good reminder that if you know someone who lost a child - mention to them that you are thinking of them and their child even if it has been years since their loss.  Knowing that you remember is the greatest gift you can give!

memories

Sometimes it amazes me how a simple sound, smell, song, or word can bring back vivid memories in my mind.  I was at the doctors office last week and the nurse gave me a slip for some blood work (nothing serious, just a typical cholesterol check) and asked me if I knew where the lab was?  Seriously, did I know where the lab was???  Of course I know where the lab is.  I have been there hundreds of times over the last five years for fertility testing, blood work after my miscarriage, blood work for my pregnancies.  Suddenly as I stood there waiting for her to check me out, I was transformed back to that waiting room at the hospital.  I can remember the feeling of my heart pounding out of my chest as I sat there watching the nature channel - I am assuming that they put that on to relax you.  All I know is that a snake crawling through a forest is not relaxing to me!  The phlebotomist calls my name and I think my feet are going to cave beneath me- I am so scared to find out the results of this test.  She draws my blood, gives me information if I want to call and get my results within an hour and sends me on my way.  At that time, I was working as a receptionist so I had no privacy for phone calls.  After about 2 hours of constant prayer and pure anxiety, I see the doctors office number pop up on the caller ID.  I quickly run to the closest empty office, close the door, grab the kleenex out of my pocket and pick up the phone.  I suddenly feel like I am in a dream state as I wait to hear those words....... you are pregnant.  I couldn't believe my ears and I made her repeat it a couple times.  I was instructed to go back to the lab in 2 days and get my blood drawn again and if it doubled, they would schedule me for an ultrasound.  So, 2 days later it felt like de ja vu as I sat in that waiting room, as I waited for the call, as I dashed into an empty office, as I waited to hear those words......your HCG doubled- you are officially pregnant!  Of course, we all know the ending to this story.  I went in at 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat.  I went in at 7 weeks and there was still no heartbeat.  I went in at 8 weeks and it was confirmed that I had a miscarriage.  Sometimes I wish I could go back to that blissful week between hearing the words that I was pregnant and seeing the look on Dr Y's face as he searched for a heartbeat.  I was naive, I was ignorant, I didn't know what I know now and I liked that feeling. 

So, why am I telling you this random story.  I guess I feel that sometimes all my blog posts are about how happy we are with Grant.  But, I wanted you all to know that I never forget the pain of infertility, I never forget the pain of my miscarriage, I never forget the pain of losing my girls.  I still pray every night for people I know and don't know that are dealing with infertility because I understand their pain and know that this is all I can do to help take it away. 

Also, I wanted to address the question of us trying to get pregnant again.  A lot of people have asked me lately so I figured I would throw it out there for you all to hear at the same time.  We would love to have another child, but we are not ready to go through all of the pain of infertility again.  Trying to get pregnant isn't as easy for us as it is for others.  It involves constant trips to the dr for ultrasounds, long annoying phone calls with the insurance company, nightly injections into my belly, and do I even need to mention the heartache of seeing a negative HPT, the envy, jealousy and anger that consumes you as you TTC month after month.  So, instead of dealing with all of that, we have decided to lay it all out for God.  If he chooses to bless us with another miracle baby than we would be thrilled.  If He doesn't, we will still be thrilled because we have our Grant and really all we ever wanted was to be able to hold a child of our own in our arms and that dream came true October 1, 2009.