memories

Sometimes it amazes me how a simple sound, smell, song, or word can bring back vivid memories in my mind.  I was at the doctors office last week and the nurse gave me a slip for some blood work (nothing serious, just a typical cholesterol check) and asked me if I knew where the lab was?  Seriously, did I know where the lab was???  Of course I know where the lab is.  I have been there hundreds of times over the last five years for fertility testing, blood work after my miscarriage, blood work for my pregnancies.  Suddenly as I stood there waiting for her to check me out, I was transformed back to that waiting room at the hospital.  I can remember the feeling of my heart pounding out of my chest as I sat there watching the nature channel - I am assuming that they put that on to relax you.  All I know is that a snake crawling through a forest is not relaxing to me!  The phlebotomist calls my name and I think my feet are going to cave beneath me- I am so scared to find out the results of this test.  She draws my blood, gives me information if I want to call and get my results within an hour and sends me on my way.  At that time, I was working as a receptionist so I had no privacy for phone calls.  After about 2 hours of constant prayer and pure anxiety, I see the doctors office number pop up on the caller ID.  I quickly run to the closest empty office, close the door, grab the kleenex out of my pocket and pick up the phone.  I suddenly feel like I am in a dream state as I wait to hear those words....... you are pregnant.  I couldn't believe my ears and I made her repeat it a couple times.  I was instructed to go back to the lab in 2 days and get my blood drawn again and if it doubled, they would schedule me for an ultrasound.  So, 2 days later it felt like de ja vu as I sat in that waiting room, as I waited for the call, as I dashed into an empty office, as I waited to hear those words......your HCG doubled- you are officially pregnant!  Of course, we all know the ending to this story.  I went in at 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat.  I went in at 7 weeks and there was still no heartbeat.  I went in at 8 weeks and it was confirmed that I had a miscarriage.  Sometimes I wish I could go back to that blissful week between hearing the words that I was pregnant and seeing the look on Dr Y's face as he searched for a heartbeat.  I was naive, I was ignorant, I didn't know what I know now and I liked that feeling. 

So, why am I telling you this random story.  I guess I feel that sometimes all my blog posts are about how happy we are with Grant.  But, I wanted you all to know that I never forget the pain of infertility, I never forget the pain of my miscarriage, I never forget the pain of losing my girls.  I still pray every night for people I know and don't know that are dealing with infertility because I understand their pain and know that this is all I can do to help take it away. 

Also, I wanted to address the question of us trying to get pregnant again.  A lot of people have asked me lately so I figured I would throw it out there for you all to hear at the same time.  We would love to have another child, but we are not ready to go through all of the pain of infertility again.  Trying to get pregnant isn't as easy for us as it is for others.  It involves constant trips to the dr for ultrasounds, long annoying phone calls with the insurance company, nightly injections into my belly, and do I even need to mention the heartache of seeing a negative HPT, the envy, jealousy and anger that consumes you as you TTC month after month.  So, instead of dealing with all of that, we have decided to lay it all out for God.  If he chooses to bless us with another miracle baby than we would be thrilled.  If He doesn't, we will still be thrilled because we have our Grant and really all we ever wanted was to be able to hold a child of our own in our arms and that dream came true October 1, 2009.

holiday weekend...

Life was pretty busy around here before the holiday.  I had a big event at work that was taking up a lot of my time and Grant was not sleeping well.  So, we headed out for the holiday totally exhausted and sleep deprived!  Luckily, my family loves spending every moment they can with the G man so they kindly let us get a few good nights sleep while they woke up with Grant.  He seems to be on his normal schedule again....hopefully he stays that way!

We had a great time stuffing our faces with turkey.  Grant of course wanted nothing to do with the delicious turkey, but he gladly ate the whole cranberries- go figure! 

On our way home we stopped by the Christmas Tree Farm and cut down what I think is our best tree yet!  We have been going to the same place for almost 5 years now and every year they add something new.  This year they had a horse drawn sleigh (aka mules pulling a trailer) and Santa.  As you can see, Grant was less than thrilled with being sat next to the guy in red!  Better luck next year I guess.

(yes, we chopped off the top of a tree....  the selection wasn't that great for smaller trees this year so we had no choice!)

thanksgivings....

Today I am thankful for coupon blogs!  I started this addiction almost a year ago when I went down to part time and had to find a way to budget and make up for my lost income.  Since then I have become one of those crazy people that runs to Rite Aid in her pajamas at 9 at night to get free Halloween candy and yes, I admit that I have a coupon binder!  I was horrible about coupons before and probably still would be without the amazing ladies at Hip2Save that do all of the legwork for me.  They have saved me hundreds of dollars on my grocery bill and now thanks to them, I get tons of fun little samples in the mail everyday. 

On that subject... Shutterfly is doing a promotion that if you talk about their fabulous Christmas cards on your blog, you get 50 free cards.  I really do love their cards and I actually have ordered 10 cards already with another coupon so I am excited that I will now be able to get more cards to match those.  For those of you that receive cards from us, I don't want to ruin the fun of opening your cards so I won't share them here but I will show you some of their amazing designs.  It really is hard to choose because they have such a great selection.  Here are some of my favorites...

Christmas Cards

Holiday Cards



Beth- I pick this one for your cards!!!!

 If you are looking for a good gift for grandparents, I would also highly recommend their photo calendars.  I was so excited to fill all the mailboxes I could with calendars full of my G man last year!  I may or may not be doing that again this year... I guess all of you grandmas will have to wait and see.  

Thanks to Shutterfly for helping me stay on budget this Christmas.  If you are a blogger and you want to be part of this promotion, click here!

thanksgivings and a favor...

First off, I need a favor from you babyloss mommas.  I am looking for a recommendation for a book to give someone who just lost a baby.  I usually always go with Empty Cradle, Broken Heart but they already have that one.  All of the other books I read, I checked out from the libraryu and now I can't remember what any of them were. I am hoping some of you can help me out with recommendations.  It can be a Christian book as well just in case you were wondering.  Thanks in advance!

Today I am thankful for my job.  I have been working at a small Christian non-profit organization for the last three years.  I am so thankful to not only have a job, but to have one that is flexible when Grant is sick or my sitter is sick or when I need to go to a thousand doctor appts like I did with both of my pregnancies.  When we lost the girls, my boss organized what I called our meals on wheels.  For three weeks, we didn't have to worry about going to the grocery store (a place I tried to avoid for a very long time) or have to think about what we were going to make for dinner.  In the midst of all of our sorrow, it was nice to not have to worry about those things.  I am also thankful that I work for a Christian organization.  When something happens, we gather together and pray.  There are not many jobs out there where you can even speak about religion, much less break into prayer at any given moment.  For that I am thankful!

thanksgivings

Today I am thankful for the Internet.  I know it seems like a silly thing to be thankful for, but honestly I don't know how I would have gotten through the last few years without it!  When infertility became a reality for us, I turned to the Internet.  I looked up all sorts of information on pretty much an hourly basis!  I had an ovulation calendar online and I joined an infertility board on a popular website.  At that time, people kinda looked at you strange when you said you chatted online with others- it was still assumed anyone online was a rapist or a murderer.  But, I am here to say that the ladies I met through that group are amazing and definitely not murderers!  They were experiencing the same things I was and we were a wonderful support for each other during a time when no one around us understood.  I still keep in touch with that first group of ladies today- thanks to Facebook of course!

When we lost the girls, I was able to communicate to all my family and friends through my blog.  I used it as my journal at times and as a way to connect with other babyloss mommas as well.  The friends I have made through blogging got me through my darkest days.  Reading their posts made me feel normal in a situation that made me feel far from normal.  Even though we will probably never meet, I know I will never forget them.

Now I use the Internet to reach out to others.  Through email and blogging, I am now able to help them get through their darkest days and for that I am thankful!

thanksgivings...

Today I am so thankful for my family and friends.  We have truly been blessed to be surrounded by amazing family and friends that have really been there for us over the years.  They have been there when we needed prayers, words of encouragement and listening ears.  When we lost the girls, everyone really stepped up to help us out.  Our yard was mowed, our fridge was full of food for weeks and our mail box was stuffed full of cards and letters and gifts.  I don't know how I would have gotten through the last few years without all of you, so thank you!

thanksgivings

Words can not describe how thankful I am for this amazing little boy......
He makes my life complete in a way I never knew possible and I thank God everyday for blessing us with his life.