memories

Sometimes it amazes me how a simple sound, smell, song, or word can bring back vivid memories in my mind.  I was at the doctors office last week and the nurse gave me a slip for some blood work (nothing serious, just a typical cholesterol check) and asked me if I knew where the lab was?  Seriously, did I know where the lab was???  Of course I know where the lab is.  I have been there hundreds of times over the last five years for fertility testing, blood work after my miscarriage, blood work for my pregnancies.  Suddenly as I stood there waiting for her to check me out, I was transformed back to that waiting room at the hospital.  I can remember the feeling of my heart pounding out of my chest as I sat there watching the nature channel - I am assuming that they put that on to relax you.  All I know is that a snake crawling through a forest is not relaxing to me!  The phlebotomist calls my name and I think my feet are going to cave beneath me- I am so scared to find out the results of this test.  She draws my blood, gives me information if I want to call and get my results within an hour and sends me on my way.  At that time, I was working as a receptionist so I had no privacy for phone calls.  After about 2 hours of constant prayer and pure anxiety, I see the doctors office number pop up on the caller ID.  I quickly run to the closest empty office, close the door, grab the kleenex out of my pocket and pick up the phone.  I suddenly feel like I am in a dream state as I wait to hear those words....... you are pregnant.  I couldn't believe my ears and I made her repeat it a couple times.  I was instructed to go back to the lab in 2 days and get my blood drawn again and if it doubled, they would schedule me for an ultrasound.  So, 2 days later it felt like de ja vu as I sat in that waiting room, as I waited for the call, as I dashed into an empty office, as I waited to hear those words......your HCG doubled- you are officially pregnant!  Of course, we all know the ending to this story.  I went in at 6 weeks and there was no heartbeat.  I went in at 7 weeks and there was still no heartbeat.  I went in at 8 weeks and it was confirmed that I had a miscarriage.  Sometimes I wish I could go back to that blissful week between hearing the words that I was pregnant and seeing the look on Dr Y's face as he searched for a heartbeat.  I was naive, I was ignorant, I didn't know what I know now and I liked that feeling. 

So, why am I telling you this random story.  I guess I feel that sometimes all my blog posts are about how happy we are with Grant.  But, I wanted you all to know that I never forget the pain of infertility, I never forget the pain of my miscarriage, I never forget the pain of losing my girls.  I still pray every night for people I know and don't know that are dealing with infertility because I understand their pain and know that this is all I can do to help take it away. 

Also, I wanted to address the question of us trying to get pregnant again.  A lot of people have asked me lately so I figured I would throw it out there for you all to hear at the same time.  We would love to have another child, but we are not ready to go through all of the pain of infertility again.  Trying to get pregnant isn't as easy for us as it is for others.  It involves constant trips to the dr for ultrasounds, long annoying phone calls with the insurance company, nightly injections into my belly, and do I even need to mention the heartache of seeing a negative HPT, the envy, jealousy and anger that consumes you as you TTC month after month.  So, instead of dealing with all of that, we have decided to lay it all out for God.  If he chooses to bless us with another miracle baby than we would be thrilled.  If He doesn't, we will still be thrilled because we have our Grant and really all we ever wanted was to be able to hold a child of our own in our arms and that dream came true October 1, 2009.