When...

Have you ever had a smell, a sound, a word, or a song that instantly triggers so many memories- good or bad? I have been in denial thinking that it has been 4 months and those triggers wouldn't affect me like they did in the beginning. I was really in denial this week when I thought getting past the dreaded due date would make everything better. A friend told me that instead of saying I would be 8 months pregnant, now I will just say the girls would be 1 week, 2 months, 1 year old..... So, my question is when does it get better??? When will I be able to hear or smell something that reminds me of the pregnancy, the birth and all that occured in those 5 months and not become an emotional basket case?? Don't get me wrong, I do have good days and they definitely outwiegh the bad. But every once in a while I still have really bad ones. I guess I thought at this point the bad days would be less intense. I am realizing that I am in total denial!

I do have to say that Monday came and went and I didn't have the breakdown I expected. I think that was because so many of you were praying for us and I really appreciate that! I have been thinking a lot about the holidays this year and how bittersweet they will be for us. We love seeing family and celebrating, but this year the celebrations will be different for us and that is hard for me to wrap my arms around. I also have a good friend whose father is in the hospital and they got the news the other day that his health is dwindling and he may not be able to pull out of it this time. And, we are starting to think about trying again and have gone back to see the specialist and all of the emotions involved with infertility have come rushing back. So, in the middle of my sad night last night I wondered how much a person can really deal with at one time? I know everyone says that God does not give you more than you can handle. I often held on to that when we were trying to get pregnant because there were times I thought I really couldn't keep going. Now I think of trying again with all of those fears, possibly dealing with the loss of a man that I grew up with and was like a father to me, while all the time remembering Brooke and Alexcyn. I keep sending the message to God that I think I am full now- I don't think I can handle anymore at this point-- I am not sure if He is listening!

So, sorry for this really random post. I know you all say you want me to be totally honest with how I am doing and today this is it! I will end with a quote from one of my fav shows e.r. Thursdays episode was especially emotional because it was about a child dying. The mother of the child said this quote to someone who said they didn't know what to say other than they were sorry for her loss. She replied, "When your parents are gone you're an orphan. A spouse dies you are a widow or widower but when you lose your baby... there are no words for that."