I wanted to check in and let you all know that we have returned from the wedding and it was only because of our prayer warriors that it went as well as it did. I always find that the anticipation leading up to the event is usually the worst part and that was definitely the case this weekend. Ross and Mak's love for God and for each other was laid out so beautifully in the ceremony. They requested that the main message of the wedding be about prayer - that message had such an amazing impact on me, I thought I would share it with you. tTo back-track a bit, I have to start out by saying that the last week or so I have been in a blurry haze. I haven't had much care in the world, I have had little energy, I have forgotten everything and the hardest thing for me to admit is that I haven't been conversing with God as I should be and as I had been when all of this began. Back to the wedding now, the message focused on the importance of prayer in your life and it reminded me that even though I may have some questions, confusion and anger about what happened, I need to lay them all before God because He is here to listen. I am sure most of you know by now that my favorite verse is Jeremiah 29:11. The verse was mentioned in the ceremony but instead of stopping where I usually do, the pastor continued to verse 12- "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." I got very emotional when I heard these words. I have read this verse so many times but I always focus on verse 11 and never go any further. It was like God was speaking to me and saying listen to me and I will listen to you, I am here for you. As you can tell, I kinda had an 'aha' moment and knew that even though I had so much anxiety about being there, I was meant to hear that message.

Here are a few pictures of the wedding...

My gorgeous niece Kyla was a flowergirl

Jason and I

Dancing with Kyla

Weekend...

We have a big weekend ahead of us. We are traveling to Cincinnati for a family wedding. We are so excited to see Makenzie and Ross get hitched! Although, I must admit that I am a little anxious about how it is all going to go. We have a long drive there and back which means a lot of time to think (which is not always a good thing) and then we have a large group of family members to interact with. Not saying that I don't enjoy being around family, I love you guys, but I seem to struggle in large groups and holding a conversation isn't always the easiest for me these days because my mind is always someplace else. Please pray that I may find peace over the next two days with all of the excitement and anxiousness that lies ahead.

Another big thing happening on Monday is my follow up dr appt with my OB. My dr was very specific that she didn't want me in the waiting room with all of the pregnant women so she set up a special time for me to come in. Wouldn't you know, last week I got bumped and had to reschedule to a busier time in the office and can expect to have to sit there surrounded by preggies. Being around pregnant women in general is very hard for me right now, but espeically at the dr's office. It may sound crazy, but a trip to the dr's office was always such an exciting time for me. I loved going there and hearing the babies heartbeats and watching them move around on the ultrasound screen. Now I will sit there with all the women that are living out my dreams and are experiencing everything that I should be.

At this appointment, we will hopefully find out some answers to all of our questions about why this happened. Although, we do realize the ultimate "why us, why our babies" will never truly be answered. We are also hoping to find out what our chances are for more children and what that timetable should look like.

Please say a prayer for us on Monday morning as we go to this appointment. Pray that we will not be dissapointed by what the dr has to say about our chances of conceiving again and pray that by a small miracle, the waiting room is empty!

"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you" (2 Thessalonians 3:16).

Friends

"It is not what we have in our life, but who we have in our life that counts"
J.M. Laurence

I do not think I would be where I am in this journey if it were not for my fabulous friends and family. I have friends who have taken time out of their lives to email me everyday since July 16 to make sure I am ok. Even if I don't have the energy to write them back, they keep sending their encouraging words. When I was so worried I was going to become angry and bitter, I reached out to my friends and asked for their help. I have a certain friend who answered that call and has encouraged me to find something positive in every day. Even when I struggle, she lifts me up and finds positives. I have friends who realize that even though it has been a month already, we are still grieving and dealing with every day life is a constant challenge. They have now set up a "meals on wheels" for us so that we don't have to worry about dinners for a while. I have friends who brought flowers last week as I began work again so that I would have something to cheer me up and know that I was loved. I could go on and on and on... To all of my fabulous friends, I say thank you. I am so blessed to have you in my life. When I can't lift myself up you are there doing it for me. I am forever grateful for each and every one of you.

August 18

It is hard for me to believe that it was 1 month ago today that Jason and I became parents to two beautiful baby girls. There were so many plans that I had for my girls one month birthday and none of them involved putting flowers on their gravesite. I sit here and I wonder what life would have been like if none of this would have happened. I would have been 28 weeks pregnant today. I wonder how big my stomach would have been and what maternity clothes would still be fitting me- would I have been able to see them move or stick a hand or foot against my stomach, would the nursery be ready for them? And then I wonder what if they were perfectly healthy one month olds- how many diapers would we have gone through, how many sleepless nights would we have experienced, would they be smiling and making cute baby noises and falling asleep in our arms? So, today is a hard day for me. I have such a longing for all that I dreamt our family would be and none of that is reality any more and it breaks my heart.

Little did we know that morning,

God was going to call your names,

In life we loved you dearly,

In death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

You did not go alone,

For part of us went with you,

The day God called you home.

You left us beautiful memories

Your love is still our guide,

And though we cannot see you,

You are always by our side.

Our family chain is broken,

and nothing seems the same,

But as God calls us one by one,

The chain will link again.

Alexcyn and Brooke~ Your mommy and daddy love you and miss you so much. We would do anything to have you back in our arms again. We had so many plans for you. Unfortunately, the plans we had were not the same plans that God had. We may never know why God needed you with Him so soon, but we rest in knowing that you are wrapped in His arms together in Heaven.

A New Day

Just wanted to check in and let you all know that I survived yesterday and actually was able to sleep through the night last night (with a little assistance of course!). I was also blessed to be able to take some time off of work yesterday afternoon to collect myself. Thank you to everyone who said a few extra prayers for us yesterday- the prayer pager was buzzing all day! Through my reasearch, I have learned that each day is going to be so different in how we are grieving. The last few days were pretty rough so I am thankful that I am having an up day today.

"I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip—he who watches over you will not slumber" (Psalm 121:1-3).

Ups and Downs

One thing I have realized over the last month is how fast you can go from feeling up to suddenly falling down...

At about 3 o'clock yesterday I sat at my desk and suddenly felt like I had hit a wall. I looked around my desk and stared at my computer screen and realized that I was totally exhausted. My eyes felt heavy and my head felt full and I couldn't muster up the energy to type a simple email to a friend. I got home and was so thankful that a dear friend and co-worker brought us a meal because I just couldn't find the energy to get off the couch. As I went into my closet last night to figure out what I wanted to wear today (YES, I pick out my clothes the night before!) I saw the shirt that I wore the night that Alexcyn passed away and I totally fell apart. The stress of being at work for two days had finally gotten to me and my mind was flooded with thoughts of the girls and anger and guilt and so many other thoughts that I can't even type them fast enough. Poor Jason came home from running to find me sobbing on our bed. After Jason pulled me together, I tried to sleep and for the second night in a row, I laid there wide awake. I think being back to work has been a blessing and a curse because my mind is so occupied with work during the day that it goes into overdrive at night and causes me to lay awake with my thoughts.

So, I am sorry if this post is depressing and not inspirational, but I really needed everyone to know that not everyday is an up dayand that we are still in need of lots of prayers. Please pray that I am able to find the strength to get up and go to work today and that I can clear my mind of all these thoughts before I lay down so that I can finally sleep tonight.

Hope

As Jason and I stood at the cemetery the other day I started reflecting on the word HOPE and what an impact it has played on my life. The most obvious one is that I went to Hope College-which brought me to Holland and ultimately to my wonderful hubby Jason! At a wedding of a sorority sister a long time ago I got a wedding favor that was an elegant piece of paper with Jeremiah 29:11 on it- "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord; plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future." At that time I was not attending church often and was not familiar with that verse. To this day, I have that piece of paper on my bedstand and I have since printed that verse out to make sure I see it wherever I go- car, bathroom, at work, etc... Over the years, I realized how important it was to me to have HOPE and I clung to that verse knowing that one day God's plan for my future would be revealed. As I laid on the couch last night, I started wondering about our future and how all of this played into the plan that God had for us. I started to lose Hope of ever realizing my dream of being a mother that can hold her children in her arms and celebrate their 1st birthday and watch them walk down the aisle at their wedding. I prayed about this last night and asked for some sort of Hope that one day our dreams would be reality. I got in the car today to go to the bank and this song was on the radio and I felt like it was the answer I was looking for- HOPE can be born from suffering and this is only the beginning. The song is "Held" by Natalie Grant and I have heard it a thousand times on the radio and never realy listened to the words...


If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

I also added this to my playlist so you can hear it as well- it really is a beautiful song and it gave me HOPE that this suffering is only the beginning of a much greater plan that God has for Jason and I.

Ok, now for the question that I am sure everyone wants to know- how was your first day back to work????? Amazingly enough, it was a good day. I work with wonderful people who are so supportive and I knew that it would be good to see them again and it was. Getting back to some sort of routine will be good even though it is tough to think of all that has changed since I sat at my desk only 3 weeks ago. I thank everyone for their prayers today. I had the pager with me all day and everytime I heard it buzz I was comforted.

Specific prayer requests...

*pray that each day back to work gets easier and that we will find peace at getting back to "normal" life

*pray that I will not lose sight of Hope for our future

*pray that as time goes on and all of the why's come up we are able to find comfort in His word and will not become angry and bitter