Never let go

Today marks 6 months from the day that we met our beautiful daughters Brooke and Alexcyn. I can't even believe that 6 months has past. I realize that I dressed up for Halloween, sat down to eat a Turkey feast and that I spent many hours at Christmas parties, but when I really think about it, it still feels like just yesterday. 6 months sounds like such a long time to me... was it really 6 months ago?

Today also marks 6 months since we held our precious Brooke Janae in our arms and said goodbye. That night was so caotic and hurried, but I remember feeling like time stood still when the nurse handed me my firstborn child to hold in my arms. She was tiny and bruised but she was beautiful. Has it really been 6 months since I held her in my arms?

In the days and weeks following the death of the twins, I prayed that God would stay with us through the tough days and that when we were ready, He would answer our prayers and give us a baby brother or sister for Brooke and Alexcyn. Never did I imagine that we would once again be faced with infertility or that 6 months later, we would be struggling to get pregnant and facing all of those emotions and disapointments again.

There have been some dark days in our lives since July 18. Some of those days, I wondered if God was even there- I didn't see or feel even a glimmer of his divine light. Luckily, those days were few and far between and we had some amazing prayer warriors out there that helped us find light in the darkness. Pastor Frank spoke of this exact thing in church today. He is teaching on the life of Joseph and how God was with him through all the struggles in his life. Today, Frank sat in a chair dressed as a prisoner stuck behind bars on stage and told of the darkness that Joseph felt as he was imprisoned for something he didn't even do. Oh, how I could relate to that darkness- those days when you feel like there is no way God is really there, the days you cry out to him for something good in your life yet you just keep getting bad news. The best part of the story of Joseph is that he didn't let go. He believed that one day he would get out of that cell and live the life that God had promised him. And he did!

Needless to say, it was a pretty emotional church service, but it was exactly what I needed to be reminded on this special day. I can't let go! I also know that one day we WILL celebrate with the news of another child, it may just not happen as soon as I would like it. But, in that time of waiting I will cling to the truth that God is with me and I will not let go!

Oh no, you never let go

Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no, you never let go

In every high and every low

Oh no, you never let go

Lord, you never let go of me

There is not much to report here- just another snowy day in Michigan..... I have been thinking of Brooke and Alexcyn so much this week and when I opened my email this morning, my grief devoitional for the day was about infants and children. So, I thought I would share it with you as my post for the day.

Children Are with the Lord
Day 164

Christians believe the only way to enter heaven is through God's Son, Jesus. But what about infants and small children who never reach the age to make a decision to receive Jesus?

Dr. Luis Palau says, "I am convinced that little children who die in innocence, who don't know right from wrong, are covered by the blood of Jesus Christ, and they are in the presence of the living God. The Bible clearly teaches that a brief life is not an incomplete life. We have our ideas of how long we should live, but the Bible says that every one of our days was written in God's book before they even happened.

"All is well with your little child because she's [he's] in the presence of God the Father in absolute perfection. And you can rest on that because that's what the Word of God teaches.

" Little ones are not only in heaven, but are also safe in a joyous, precious place close to the heavenly Father. On earth, children are sometimes looked down upon, but in heaven they hold a special place of honor.

The value of children was emphasized by Jesus who said in Matthew 18:10 that children have angels assigned to each of them in heaven. These angels are in intimate contact with the Father, whose nature is revealed throughout the Bible. Being true to His nature, the Father's concern could not stop at the death of a child.

"See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you, that their angels in heaven continually behold the face of My Father who is in heaven" (Matthew 18:10 nasb).

Holy Father, as I close my eyes right now, please give me an assurance of the peace and joy that my child is experiencing in heaven right now. Amen.

Not many parents can say that they had perfect children, but Jason and I can!

have I mentioned....

that we will soon be basking in the sun in Acapulco! Not to rub it in or anything, but this is what we are expecting here this week

Jan 12 Cloudy 26°/22°
Jan 13 Snow Shower / Wind 22°/9°
Jan 14 Snow 16°/7°
Jan 15 Snow Shower / Wind 12°/6°
Jan 16 Snow Shower 9°/8°
Jan 17 Mostly Cloudy 21°/18°
Jan 18 Few Snow Showers 26°/21°
Jan 19 Partly Cloudy 30°/22°
Jan 20 Partly Cloudy 30°/23°
Jan 21 Snow Shower 28°/20°

and this is what they are expecting in Acapulco.

Jan 12 Partly Cloudy 85°/70°
Jan 13 Partly Cloudy 88°/71°
Jan 14 Partly Cloudy 89°/72°
Jan 15 Partly Cloudy 89°/72°
Jan 16 Partly Cloudy 90°/72°
Jan 17 Partly Cloudy 89°/72°
Jan 18 Partly Cloudy 88°/71°
Jan 19 Sunny 88°/72°
Jan 20 Sunny 88°/71°
Jan 21 Scattered T-Storms 87°/72°

Unfortunately, we have a few weeks until we leave, but it will only be getting warmer!

Hanging in there...

Wanted to give you all a quick update that I am recovering well from the hysteroscopy. The worst part about the surgery day was getting the IV into my arm. I supposedly have a water issue. When I can't drink for a couple hours, my veins dry up and they have to poke me numerous times to find one that will work- ouch! The anethesia gave me an upset stomach for most of the day and I think I was still feeling the effects of it yesterday as I stayed in bed until 1:00! I went back to work today but by 3:00 my body was screaming at me to take a break so I left early to come home and lay down. There is also a very unpleasant aspect to the surgery that I will spare you the details of, but I will say it is VERY uncomfortable and annoying and I need some prayers to get through the next week with this "added bonus".

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts, prayers and well wishes. Once again we were reminded how blessed we are to have so many amazing friends and family members.

Round Three

Thought I would give an update on Krista. She is doing well. She loved the hospital (JK) and is resting comfortably in bed at home. The surgery went really well and there were no complications at all so we a very thankful for that. The Doctor said that it was nothing complicated and it was not a polup. It was just tissue that had calcified and was left over from her pregnancy earlier last year. Krista will need to rest for a couple days but we are very glad everything went well and are looking for ward to moving on past this. Must be a new year. Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers.

I Will Rise

There's a peace I've come to know

Though my heart and flesh may fail

There's an anchor for my soul

I can say "It is well"

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

I am feeling so much better this week! Not sure if it was the great sermon at church yesterday, all of the beeps from the prayer pager, a new year full of new possibilities or the fact that I am back at work and have an internet connection again, but I am feeling uplifted and ready to fight. I am scheduled for my hysteroscopy tomorrow at 9:45. I am not really nervous, but am anxious to just get it over with already. I have heard that the surgery is pretty routine and will last about an hour. I have Tuesday and Wednesday off work and hope that my internet will be hooked up tomorrow so we can update you on how everything went.

There's a day that's drawing near

When this darkness breaks to light

And the shadows disappear

And my faith shall be my eyes

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

*I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin

Happy New Year!!!

Hello 2009!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have waited so long to say goodbye to 2008. It was a year full of flooded basements and lost dreams..... good riddence!

May this year bring new beginnings and renewed hope to all of us!