Some times it is just hard...

It has been almost three years since we said hello and goodbye to our girls.  I still think about them everyday but definitely not in the same way I thought about them 2 years ago.  Back then, I would think of them and cry.  Now, I think of them, I pray for them, I visit their grave and talk to them, but I don't have an emotional break down every time.  However with that being said, some days are just harder than others.

The other day someone showed me an 8x 10 picture of a couple sitting in the NICU holding their baby twins.  I try to avoid situations like that as much as possible as it brings back so many memories of the days we spent with Alexcyn in the NICU. As this person walked away, I wondered why they thought I would be excited to see that picture.  I spent the next 3 hours thinking about my little girl fighting for her life in the NICU and how I didn't get the chance to hold her until it was time to say goodbye.  Some times it is just hard....

Grant's favorite puzzle right now is a Melissa and Doug puzzle that has vehicles that make sounds.  I try explaining to him what every vehicle does and why it is important.  I always get caught by the ambulance as it brings back memories of that night of July 16 that I took my first ever ambulance ride from my local hospital to the hospital in the next town over where I would deliver the girls.  My worst memories come from that night.  I was scared out of my mind and felt so alone as I rode in that ambulance not sure what would happen next.  Some times it is just hard...

Am I the only one that thinks that twins are everywhere these days????  When we were TTC, I never noticed them.  When we were pregnant with the girls, I saw them here and there.  Now, I can't run a single errand without seeing a set of twins or hearing about a set of twins.  I know people that have twins, I know people having twins, I know people that know people that have had or are having twins. I hear stories of glorious pregnancies with zero complications.  I hear mothers complaining about being uncomfortable while carrying their twins to "full term".  I hear of mothers delivering their babies and going home and complaining about being overwhelmed with the sudden responsibility of two.  It is not that I am not happy for all of these people.  I know many people that are so deserving of their double blessing.  It is just hard to hear all these stories when all I have to show for my twin pregnancy is a photo album.  Some times it is just hard....

I pulled out my maternity bin the other day and was suddenly overwhelmed with memories of the girls.  I can still remember the excited feeling I had as I shopped for those clothes.  My mom and I had so much fun trying them on with the belly pillow at the store.  I can remember when I wore what outfit with them and what I wore those days in the hospital.  (Those clothes just stay at the bottom of the bin and never come out.)  Again, some times it is just hard... 

I pray for those of you going through your first season of loss and those of you who experienced your loss years ago.  The unbearable grief gets better, but some times it is still just hard...